


We all need saving

by melikaioke



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-04 16:28:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5340791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melikaioke/pseuds/melikaioke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leanne and her husband suffer a tragic accident that claims their children. After six months and returning to work she finds herself welcoming a new set of residents. Among dealing with the mentoring of new doctors and the pain of losing her children she finds herself confining in Neal. And soon a friendship turns into something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sound of the flat line pulsed in her ears, she looked around, her brown eyes searching for familiar faces. The sound was louder than normal, it made her squint her eyes shut until the gurney was pushed. Leanne’s eyes jolted open and the beeps of the machines, the calls of medicine and the bustle of the nurses and doctors flooded her ears. She felt a pain in her left side and looked down, blood was staining the white sheets and then it hit her all over again. They had been hit head on by a drunk driver, she could see the lights of the responding officers and medical workers. She could hear the screams, her screams. 

A loud gasp escaped her lips as she jolted again, her hand reaching up and pulling at the oxygen mask around her face. Panic hit her body and she went to sit up, only to be pushed back down by unfamiliar hands. 

“Andrew…” 

Leanne heard the flat line turn back into a heartbeat, no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t see who it belonged too. Trying to sit up again a more familiar hand pushed her down, “Hey now…calm down there daddy.”

“Jesse..” he grasped onto his wrist, her grip pleading. 

“Where’s Andrew, the kids?”

He ignored her, he had too. He kept hold of her hand as the doctors worked around him. 

“I need a chest x-ray and a tox panel.”

“I’m not…he was drunk.”

Neal was now at her other side and checking over her injuries. “I’ve got seatbelt bruising, I need ultrasound here now.” His hands moved over her body, checking her abdomen for pain. Leanne squinted a few times, another gasp escaping her throat when he pressed against her left side. “I’ve got possible broken ribs, I needed that ultrasound yesterday!”

The flatling caused her to turn her head, ignoring the fire that was at her side. She leaned as best as she could to see where it came from, her eyes going wide when she saw her husband lying on the gurney next to her. “Andrew?!”

Jesse stepped in her view, his hand going to her head which was bruised and scratched. 

“Please Jesse…please you have to help him!”

“Leanne, calm down. They are doing everything in their power. You gotta stay with me, okay?”

“Dr. Hudson, CT is ready for you.”

Neal nodded and handed the ultrasound machine to one of the nurses. “Alright, let’s go!”

She could hear the gurney be unlocked and she shook her head. “No, Neal…please. I have to see my kids, I need to see them.”

He looked down at her and nodded, “I got doctors working on the kids, and Andrew. But I have to take care of you Leanne. I need you to let me do that okay, once we hear about the kids I will let you know.”

She shivered lightly, her lip quivering as the gurney started to move. The hallways seemed unfamiliar as she was moved from center stage and towards the CT room. It was different being on the other side. She now understood what the patients were talking about when they felt like they were going in an unending tunnel. Leanne listened to the clicking of the machine as it scanned her body to make sure she didn’t have internal injuries. 

\--

“Time of death 1835.” 

Jesse had been watching Dr. Guthrie work on one of Leanne’s kids. He hung his head when he heard him call it, she was small, only six years old. She was much too fragile to handle the trauma that she received. Dr. Guthrie ripped his gloves off and threw them on the floor, he took off the yellow gown and tossed it as well. “She in CT?”

Jesse nodded and covered Jenny, “Yeah…she has some broken ribs, possibly a fracture to the leg.” 

“Her son died on scene, was she told that?”

He nodded again. “She was still there when he passed…” 

“I’ll go let Dr. Hudson know.”

“I’ll go.”

Dr. Guthrie nodded and sighed, Jesse walked away, his hand running over his head as he tried to figure out how he was going to tell his friend both her kids were gone. 

\--

Leanne had been taken into a room after her CT scan. Neal had followed quickly in with her scans in hand. 

“You’ve got three broken ribs, a sprained wrist, a few lacerations and some bruising from your seat belt…were you driving?”

Raising her brow she sighed, she could definitely fell all that. “Yeah…the car just came from the other side, Andrew’s side.”

Neal nodded and set down the scans. “He is in surgery now, he is pretty critical. A broken leg, internal bleeding. Leanne we are going to do everything we can.”

Nodding she closed her eyes, the tears streaming down her face. “I know.” She sniffed and re-opened her eyes. “Robbie’s dead.”

Neal sighed and moved to the left side of her bed, sitting down in the chair he reached up and took her hand. 

“I’m so sorry Leanne.” 

She swallowed the lump in her throat, her voice catching “He hit his head too hard…I, I couldn’t help him.”

Gently he rubbed her hand, what do you say? She wasn’t only a patient, she was his superior, his teacher. They help you learn what to tell a patient’s family member when they die. But this was different. He parted his lips, ready to give her the same speech he had given multiple times when a knock on the door stopped him. Turning he was slightly relieved to see Jesse. Letting go of her hand he excused himself and stepped outside. 

“How’s Leanne’s daughter?” 

Jesse looked over at his friend, his heart breaking at the news she was about to receive. Shaking his head he looked back at Neal. “She didn’t make it.”

Neal tensed his jaw and nodded, “Okay.”

“Dr. Hudson. Let me tell her…”

“Are you sure?”

Jesse nodded, “Yeah, this is a job for momma.”

Neal pursed his lips and nodded. Jesse moved away and walked into the room, he shut the door behind him and went to the seat that Neal had previously been sitting in. At the tap to his shoulder he turned, a nurse shoving a chart in his face. He opened it and made sure all the things he asked for had been done and then signed the bottom. The gut wrenching scream that came from Leanne’s room caused him to swing back around. 

Jesse was leaning close to her, trying his best to comfort his friend. But no comfort would be brought in this time. Leanne continued to scream, sobs racking her body as she covered her face with her hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Leanne parted her lips, her head tilting to the side as she put in one of her pearl earrings. She licked her lips and tilted her head to the other side. Once her earrings were in she picked up her lipstick and uncapped it. Looking at herself in the hallway mirror she saw how the lack of sleep was catching up to her. The circles under her eyes more visible, the wrinkles around her eyes deeper than usual. Who had she become? In the past six months her life had changed completely, her children dead, her husband barely survived. She had been on the verge of suicide, the scars on her wrist leaving evidence of the lowest point of her life. Her eyes had glazed over, the image of herself becoming blurry as she continued to try and find herself in the mirror. 

_Leanne…Leanne?_

The sound of her husband’s voice caused her to jump, she blinked quickly and made the haze disappear. She licked her lips before putting on her lipstick and throwing it back in her purse. 

“You ready?”

Clearing her throat she turned around, nodding to Andrew. He reached out, a soft smile coming to his lips as he touched her arm. Tonight was the gala for the new Residents that joined the program, her program. Much to Dr. Taylor and her husband’s protest Leanne was going back to work. It was the first time she was going to step into the hospital since the car accident. 

She pulled back from him, her hand going to push back her hair that was lose against the black dress she was wearing. 

“You don’t have to go with me.”

Andrew was still wearing his cast, which was now covered in a boot. He was handling things well, considering. 

“I want to go, Leanne.”

Nodding she cleared her throat again and turned around, her heels clicking against the hardwood floor of the entry way. She grabbed her coat and slipped it on. 

“We better get going then.”

Andrew let his head fall briefly and then reached for his own coat. 

Car rides had become awkward. You never realize how quiet your life becomes when there is an absence of little voices. The absence of little feet running down the hallway, little voices that wake you up early in the morning after a graveyard shift. There was a different type of silence that filled their home now, and at times it was unbearable. 

The ride from their home to the hotel where the gala would be held was short. And she definitely appreciated that. Andrew pulled into the parking lot and the car jerked as it was pushed into a parked gear. She took in a short breath and let it out slowly. 

Andrew noticed her hesitation, he pulled the keys from the ignition and sighed as well. “Look, you can take off another six months, even a year…we can go to Hawaii, or England.”  
Leanne unlocked the car and opened the door. “I’m going back, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Slipping out of the passenger side she shut the door and moved around the car. Andrew nodded and got out of the driver’s side, being the gentlemen he had always been he held his arm out for her. Leanne took it softly, there was already rumors going around the hospital she was sure. Of the accident, of her suicide attempt. She didn’t need rumors that her marriage was on the rocks. 

They walked quietly together from the parking lot to the lobby of the hotel. There was a receptionist with a clipboard at the front of the desk. She smiled at them and picked up her pen. 

“Good evening, may I get your name?”

She slipped her arm from her husbands and clutched her small purse. “Dr. Leann Rorish, and my husband Andrew Green.”

The women nodded and checked on both of their names, “Down the hallway at the first conference room.”

Nodding they walked down the hallway and to the conference room, they stopped at the entrance and took off their coats, handing them to the young boy outside. In exchange for their coats he gave them a tag number, and Andrew absently shoved it in his trouser pocket. He touched the small of her back, and before he could do further she stepped ahead of him, breaking the contact he was trying to create. 

The room was busy with doctors and their spouses or significant others. Her eyes scanned the large space, hoping to find a familiar face, yet at the same time hoping she wouldn’t. 

“Leanne?”

She turned, meeting Dr. Taylor’s half confused face. She smiled softly at him. 

“I didn’t expect you ‘till tomorrow night.”

Shrugging she smiled at his wife who was standing a bit behind him. “I decided I should make an appearance.”

“I didn’t, uhm. Neal was going to speak for you.”

“That’s fine.” She gave him a reassuring smile. “I can spare them another night of my torture.”

He chuckled lightly, “Yeah, I’m sure they will all appreciate that. It’s nice to have you back.”

And just like that, he took his wives hand and continued to move about the room. 

There, she thought. That wasn’t so bad. 

They both preceded into the room and found the table that their name plates were on. Setting down her purse she pulled the chair out and took a seat, Andrew followed her lead and turned slightly when a waiter came up to their table. 

“Can I get you anything to drink? Wine, a glass of champagne perhaps?”

“Uhm, no water please.”

The waiter nodded at her request, “And for you sir?”

“Water as well.”

He nodded and moved away from the table. Andrew bit his lip and moved more towards her, his hand going to her right arm. “You don’t want to see some of your co-workers?”  
Leanne leaned back in her chair, her eyes scanning the room. Neal was speaking with Taylor and his wife. She saw other familiar faces, doctors and nurses she had worked with for the past ten years. And then many new faces, surely those of her new Residents. 

“I’m fine.”

He nodded, it has only been six months. They had lost their babies, he almost died himself. They will get through this, they have to get through this. 

“Well…aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” 

Leanne couldn’t help but smile at the familiar voice. She turned, which caused Andrew’s hand to slip from her arm. Getting up she hugged Jesse, a desperation escaping her as she did so. It felt like an eternity that they had been standing there hugging, but she didn’t care. Pulling away she felt the tears in her eyes and quickly she blinked them away. 

“I’ve missed you momma.”

Jesse laughed and sat down next to her. “Same here…” Leanne sat back down at her place and smiled. “You look well.”

Laughing lightly she raised her brow, “I look like shit, Jesse.”

“Well…I wasn’t going to say it.”

Leanne laughed again, it wasn’t how she used to laugh. It was emptier, sad. Andrew and Jesse said their hello’s and talked nonchalantly about a few things in the news. She had taken to listening, it was so easy these days to get lost, to let the emptiness consume her when she was with Andrew. It was like he wasn’t even grieving. How could he not? Their children had been taken away from them, he hadn’t cried yet. And that scared her. Maybe that was his way of telling her that he hadn’t even wanted the kids, as if he didn’t care.   
Her thoughts were broken at the sound of another familiar voice, Neal. He had taken to sitting across from her, with a blond haired women, definitely younger than he was. He introduced her as Angela, another girl he was dating. A month she figured was how long Angela would stick around. After another ten minutes their table was full and the meal had started being served. She didn’t engage much in conversation, and she was grateful that those around her didn’t initiate it with her. 

After dinner it was time for the speeches, Dr. Taylor went first, welcoming everyone to the event and then talking a little about the program the new Residents were getting themselves into. Then he introduced Neal, it wasn’t said that he was taking her spot tonight, but everyone knew. He spoke about the program, congratulating the Residents that had been chosen, and then he called her name. At first she didn’t hear it, it was so faint, that was until Andrew touched her elbow. 

“Dr. Rorish, would you care to say a few words?”

She looked around her, causing a few to whisper. She would look like a complete idiot if she didn’t so instead of waving off his request she stood up. Her hands smoothing the black fabric of her dress. Leanne made her way from her table to the podium up front, she could hear them whispering to each other. That was the women, the one who lost everything. 

Never in her whole entire career had she been stage shy. She was known for her blunt teachings to her Residents. But something had changed her that day. It had made her numb. When she got to the podium Neal smiled a bit, he knew what he had done, and she would have to remember to kill him later. 

Stepping in his place she put her hands on the podium looking over at the crowd. Clearing her throat and licking her lips she sighed. “As many of you know I am Dr. Leanne Rorish, I am the Residency Director at Angels Memorial. The program our new Residents are about to endure is the most difficult programs in our state, in fact in the country. Here at Angels Memorial we pride ourselves in this program, and the reason is because we make the best doctors in our trauma center.”

She shifted on her feet, glancing at the table where her new residents were sitting. Licking her lips again she looked back out at her fellow doctors. 

“During the duration of the program your ethics, schooling and mind will be put to the test. Don’t let it defeat you, this program and your teachers will make you the best doctors you can be, and that is what your patients need.”

Leanne stepped to the side and down from the podium, a soft clap started to echo throughout the room when she walked back to her table. Sitting back down she gave Neal a glare, he gave her an apologetic look. And just like that the night continued on, after a few more hours Andrew excused them, letting everyone know that he would have to go into the office early the previous day. 

\--

Once home and in the confinements of their house she flung her heels off. She left Andrew at the door, making sure things got locked up and retreated up the stairs to their bedroom. 

She reached behind her and pulled at the zipper on her dress, with a slight struggle she was able to free herself of the fabric, she let it fall to the ground and she stepped out of it, flinging it with her foot towards the closet. 

Grabbing a pair of his boxer shorts and a tank top she retreated into the bathroom and shut the door. She washed her face, riding herself of the makeup and then her bra. Slipping into the shorts and tank top she gave herself short solitude in the bathroom. When she heard Andrew come into the bedroom she sighed and opened the door, it bounced against the wall as she made her way to the bed.

“Can you help me?”

Looking over at him she frowned a bit, for some reason, unknown to her he had difficulty with his boot. 

“Come here.”

She waited until he got closer and then she knelled on the floor, undoing the straps of his boot so he could get out of his pants. When it was unstrapped she slipped it from his foot and set it by his bed side table. 

“Don’t forget to put the powder in the cast.”

He nodded to her and watched as she got into bed. 

“The speech was nice.”

Scoffing she lay down, a heavy sigh escaping her lungs. “Neal sprung it on me.”

“Nevertheless, it was nice.” He had started is normal night routine. “Are you ready for work tomorrow?”

Leanne hummed in response. Anything was better than sitting in a silent house. 

“It’s gonna be weird, being back in the hospital and all..”

“Andrew, I just want to sleep, okay?”

He looked over at her from the bathroom, she had closed her eyes and rolled over. He simply nodded and reached over to pull the bathroom door shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Perhaps just a trigger warning here on suicide. There is only a brief mention at the end of the chapter. **

Leanne sipped at her coffee as she hovered over some of her charts. She had a stack of paperwork sitting in her office that she needed to get too. But first came patients. It had been a slow start to the shift, yet she hoped it would pick up. When it was busy there was no time to think about the kids, about the pain. Instead she could focus on what she did best and that was being a doctor. 

Before shift she had met with her residents, four pairs of eyes had stared at her intensely, feeding on every word that she gave them. Three of them had taken to writing notes in their notebook, the fourth, Dr. Savetti had simply crossed his arms over his chest and listened. He was going to be a difficult one. After their brief introduction they were sent off with Momma to get a tour of where they would be spending their time. And she disappeared. 

Taking a few of her charts she went into the Doctor’s lounge, it was quiet in there, which she liked and she was able to make a fresh pot of coffee and go over a few things. She was making a few notes when the lounge door swung open and the chatter of her resident’s flooded the room. Sighing she continued to work, ignoring them. Until they welcomed themselves to her table. She looked up, her brow arching as they spoke of getting to center stage. Leaning back in her chair she looked over them for a moment. 

Eager, they were all too eager. And cocky. Something she despised. There was nothing more dangerous than a cocky doctor and soon they would find that out. Pushing back her chair she stood up and grabbed her cup, going over to the coffee she poured in some more, and then added a few packets of sugar. Tilting her head back she stretched out her neck, it was going to be a long first day. Going back to her coffee she stirred it quietly. 

“How’d you get in this program?”

Dr. Savetti leaned back in his own chair, a smirk coming across his face as he looked over at Christa. 

“I went to college.”

He smirked more at her and leaned forward, “Aren’t you a bit old for college…”

Turning around she pursed her lips, “Don’t you four have work to be doing?”

They all looked over at her, as if their abrupt entrance didn’t bother her. 

“We were done with our tour.”

“Ah…I see.” She moved back to where she had been sitting and reached over to grab her charts. “Well if you wanted a break Dr. Lorenson perhaps you should go back to college and find another career. We don’t take breaks here, now get back to work.”

All four mouths were agape as they looked up at her. 

Leanne, becoming irritated bit the inside of her cheek. “Do you need an invitation…”

The door opened again and Jesse sighed, “There you all are.”

Leanne turned around and raised a brow at him, “Give them something to stock.” She moved past him and out of the lounge, from now on she was just going to have to disappear into her office. 

\--

2300 Hrs. It was the calm before the storm. There had been a steady fluid of patients, nothing that couldn’t be handled, no need for rushing, or saving lives. But it was coming, she could feel it. 

After the small incident in the lounge Jesse had found the Resident’s patients to take care of. Leanne dropped in here and there to make sure everything was running smoothly, and it was. She could feel their hesitation when she was around, but she didn’t care, not today. She had taken to sitting at the nurse’s station, sipping coffee and looking at their charts as they set them back down. Tomorrow would be better, she thought. 

The sound of the ‘homeboy’ drop off caused Leanne to look up. She stood up and shut the chart she was working on and took off her glasses. She grabbed a pair of gloves and started to walk quickly to center stage, “Momma, we got a visitor.”

Jesse looked up from checking on notes as well and slammed the chart shut, grabbing his own pair of gloves he looked over at the four new residents who were baffled by the alarm. “Suit up, let’s go.”

They quickly followed suit, jogging behind Jesse and Leanne as they made their way to the ambulance bay. 

“What’s that alarm for?”

Leanne got to the patient who was on the ground, she knelt down and started to assess the situation before her. 

“Homeboy drop off, gang members leave their victims here for us.” Jesse knelt down as well, “We are gonna need to get him up, Dr. Savetti, Dr. Leighton.”

“I’ve got six stab wounds that I can see right now, let’s get him on this gurney now please.”

Mario and Angus helped Jesse get the patient onto the gurney. 

Leanne got up and and pushed back her bangs that had fallen in her face, “Momma, let’s get some security outside these doors.”

“Yep!” He turned and pointed at Dr. Pineda, “Alert security, let’s make sure his friends don’t come back.”

Malaya nodded and ran off ahead of them. Leanne pointed at Christa who was standing a bit off to the side, it was as if she was confused as to what was going on. 

“You, get up there and start compression's.” After a brief hesitation Leanne shook her head, “Now!”

Christa jumped out of her haze and climbed on top of the patient and started compression's as they wheeled the gurney back into the hospital and too center stage.  
The noise in the room quickly picked up, between the fellow doctors and nurses getting up to watch and those who were going to assist. 

“Okay, get down we need to see how many more stab wounds he has.”

Christa got down and stepped back, Leanne and Jesse quickly rolled him over, she pulled up his shirt and shook her head, “I got three more on the lower back, let’s get some blood here.” 

Jesse nodded and went over to the phone to get blood sent up. 

“He’s losing too much blood…” Leanne bit at her lip, “Get OR down here, we need to stop this bleeding or he’s going to die.”

Another nurse nodded and went to the free phone to get a surgeon started. 

“Continue compression’s please, if we don’t get his heart beating there is no point.”

Mario continued compression's, watching the screen as he did so. The machine next to him started to beep louder, he shook his head. 

“I don’t care what you see on that monitor Dr. Savetti you continue compression's, he’s not dead until I say he is.”

She watched him, she knew this patient was dead, he was in asystole. Whoever did this too him didn’t want him to make it when he got to the hospital. 

The alarms continued to go off as the nurses and doctors around him continued to try and save his life. Leanne shook her head as she looked up at the monitor, she stepped back and looked up at the clock. 

“Stop compression's,” Mario did so and looked over at her, she glanced briefly at the monitor as it flat lined, making a long loud beep. “Time of death, 2345”

Jesse tapped Mario on the shoulder to tell him to move out of the way, “Alright, nurses let’s get this cleaned up, we are just getting started.”

Leanne took off her gloves and tossed them into the bin next to her, “Dr. Leighton, let security know that we lost him, his friends may be coming to find him.”

She moved around the nurses who were working to clean up the area and pushed back her hair again, “Dr. Lorenson, a word.”

Christa sighed and nodded, she followed Leanne back over to the nurse’s station. Leanne was given the chart of the patient they had just worked on, and lost. She flipped it open and made notes of what actions were taken and what medication was used to try and save the man’s life. Without looking over at Christa she raised her brow. 

“If you hesitate at my stage lives will be lost.” She shut the chart and looked over at Christa. “Hesitation is a doctor’s down fall, you act and you act quickly, and then if you find that it wasn’t the right thing to do you fix it.” 

Leanne spoke firm, she didn’t have time for doctors to second guess themselves. “If you can’t handle that then there are other places you belong.” She pursed her lips a bit, “Go down to check in, take some patients in the waiting room until you can decide.”

Christa sighed a bit, “But… their.”

“Their what Dr. Lorenson? Not important.” Leanne smirked a bit, “Every patient that walks in is just as important as the ones that come to the bay and are taken to center stage. Until you can figure that out check in is where you will be spending your time, now go.”

Christa turned around and went towards the check in. Leanne shook her head and put her pen back in her scrubs pocket. 

“You were a little rough on her.”

She turned and looked up at Dr. Hudson, “I’m not her momma, and she needs to learn. I won’t be around forever.”

Neal laughed a bit, “You told me that once.”

Leanne moved away from the counter and behind it, she picked up the charts that had been previously discarded due to the alarm. “Yeah, did it work?”

Neal shrugged, “I’m still here….and so are you.”

She hummed and looked over at him, “Yeah, well, for now.” She moved from behind the counter and past him towards one of the nurses. She handed her the charts that were finished and proceeded to move down the hallway. 

\--

The night quickly picked up and soon they were in code black. So far the only patient Leanne had lost was the one who was stabbed. Christa had been moved from check in to help with the overflow of patients near center stage. After the tenth hour of code black things started to calm down, and once the patients that could be taken from center stage were gone she started to check on the others. 

She did it quietly, and alone. It may be the first day but the new residents needed to learn how to trust themselves and that wasn’t going to be done by babysitting.  
Leanne had started to check on a patient who had been in a house fire. His vitals were stable and they were waiting for the burn unit to come down to take them upstairs. In the mean time they would wait in one of their trauma beds. She was going over Dr. Leighton’s notes when Jesse came up behind her. 

“How you doing, daddy?”

Leanne tilted her head a bit, “Oh, I’m just fine.” She finished her sign off and closed the chart and placed it back on the foot of the bed. Turning around she smirked at Jesse. 

“How you doing?”

Jesse just nodded and nudged her. “Have you eaten yet?”

Shaking her head she moved past him, “You are starting to sound like my husband.”

Jesse followed and held out his arms, “But I’m better looking right?”

He got a throaty laugh, which was what he was aiming for and dropped his hands. 

“Much better looking, momma.”

Jesse smiled a bit, but then let it fall. “Seriously though, Leanne…”

She shook her head and stopped walking, her hand reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Not tonight, Jesse. Not…not here.”

Leanne could feel the tears starting to collect, she wasn’t ready to talk to him. She knew that it pained him that she closed herself off, but it was how she was dealing. 

He nodded to her, “Okay…”

Dropping her hand she blinked rapidly, “Come one, let’s go find something to eat.”

\--

It was unusual for it to be this slow so early in the morning. It was nearing 4 a.m. and they were taken down to code green. The patients who were there were stable, and not needing the immediately attention she could give them. Her residents would check on them periodically, but other than that they were huddled in the doctor’s lounge going over possible scenario’s. After Leanne and Jesse got some food they retreated back towards the nurse’s station, it was placed in the heart of the check in and center stage. While the nurses stocked the stations she took to sitting down behind the desk, a M.D. magazine in her hands as she read on the latest journals. 

She was deep in the article and didn’t notice when Dr. Hudson came up behind her. He had taken to watching her, sitting on the counter as he occasionally glanced around the room. 

“Good article?”

Leanne jumped slightly and set her magazine down, turning in the swivel chair she took off her glasses and leaned back. 

“Don’t you have things to do?”

Neal raised a brow at her question. 

“What do you need Neal?”

Shaking his head he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Just…striking up conversation.”

She rolled her eyes and turned back around, putting on her glasses and trying to go back to what she had been previously reading. 

Neal slumped slightly, but continued to stay there. He shifted a bit, uncrossing and recrossing his legs. Leanne tilted her head a bit, obviously getting bothered by him continuing to stay. After another sigh escaped his lips she set down the magazine again and threw off her glasses. 

“Did you need something else?”

Neal smirked a bit, she always got irritated with him when he did this. 

“What did you mean earlier?”

Leanne turned around again and leaned back, her arms crossing over her chest. “Earlier when?”

“When you said well, for now.”

She bit at her lip and shook her head, “It was just something I said Neal.”

It was his turn to get irritated. It was no news that she had attempted suicide, she had protested though with her husband to go to the hospital. So instead Andrew had called Neal. 

“Leanne…”

Raising her brow she watched him carefully. 

“Careful, Dr. Hudson.”

Neal leaned forward a bit, only a few select knew what she had done. It had to of course be reported to Dr. Taylor, and then his supervisor, but other than that no one knew, and she was going to make sure it stayed that way. 

“If you are thinking of doing something…”

But lately anger got the best of her, she shot up from the chair, moving closer to him. 

“If you are implying that I am going to hack myself off you can stop being so concerned.” She stepped closer, her hands dropping and going to her sides. “What I do in my private life is not your worry.”

“Oh, but it is Leanne. Because when you decide to slash your wrists it becomes my worry.”

She looked around, her jaw tensing. Their interaction wasn’t going unnoticed, Christa and Angus had stepped out of the lounge to go get something to eat when they heard them talking over at the nurse’s station. 

“Well I’m here to tell you, Neal that you can stop. I’m not going to kill myself, if I wanted too I already would have done so.”

Leanne moved to walk away when he grabbed at her wrist. He slid off of the counter and pulled her arm up, moving her sleeve away he exposed her scar. It was still red, still healing. She had known where to cut, hitting the main vein that would have eventually killed her. 

“If this is not evidence of that Leanne then I don’t know what is.”

She pulled her arm away from him and pulled her sleeve back down, she bit the inside of her cheek to stop her lip from quivering. 

“Your concern is noted, but not needed Neal.”

Leanne pushed past him and towards the locker room. When she noticed Angus and Christa she pursed her lips but moved on. When she got to the locker room she shut the door and took her stethoscope from around her neck, she flung it against one of the lockers and sighed. 

Perhaps her husband had been right. Perhaps she shouldn’t have gone to work so soon, but she was afraid that if she hadn’t she would have done worse than her arm. She moved to sit on the bench in the middle of the lockers, her head going to her hands as she let the quiet of the room consume her.


	4. Chapter 4

The drive from the hospital back to her home was a good thirty minutes. Usually she took back roads, which alleviated the chance of hitting the traffic on the freeway. She liked the drive, it was her time to be able to unwind and make sense of things that happened. But since the accident it was harder for her to do so. Instead she tensed when cars were going too fast, she waited extra time at a red light that had just turned green.

The roadways were different, scarier than they had ever been before. Eventually she would make it into the safety of their small community. Days when she was extra tense she wished they lived closer to the hospital, that way her drive was shorter and her chances of ever hurting her family again where gone. When she pulled into the driveway she clicked the overhead button on her visor to open the garage. Andrew’s car was parked on the street so she knew he was home, probably reading the paper in the den. Sighing she clicked the button again and listened to the garage close, getting out of her car she grabbed her bag and locked it and then went to the door that connected their garage to the house.

When she entered the house it was eerily quiet. She shut the door and went into the kitchen, there was no coffee in the coffee pot and that made her frown slightly. No morning was ever presented without coffee, it was part of Andrew’s routine. Biting her lip she set her bag on the counter and went through the kitchen into the living room, she noted that the den light was off and the door was closed.

“Andrew?”

Leanne’s voice was quiet, as if she was going to wake someone up. Wrinkling her nose she proceeded up the stairs, her brown eyes glancing in the direction of her children’s closed bedrooms. She hadn’t stepped foot in either room since the accident, she couldn’t. Their life was closed in that room, like a time capsule that she just wasn’t ready to open. Making a right at the start of the stairs she went into the bedroom that was their office, pushing the door opened she peeked inside; nothing.

Frustrated she shut the door, her hand reaching up and running through her unleashed brown hair. She walked from the office to the master bedroom, which was the last one in the hallway. Walking inside she bit at her lip. The bed was made, as if no one slept in it. She was more than sure that the pillows were in exactly the same position she put them in the day before. Sighing again she shook her head, she could feel her heart beat a little faster. Was this going to be their life? Her coming home to a completely empty house when she was supposed to have someone waiting there for her?  
Leanne decided, for this moment in time to not dwell on the fact that Andrew wasn’t home. Instead she went to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. He was sure to come home in that time anyway. When she was done with the shower and dressed in a pair of sweats and tank top she went back downstairs. Going back into the kitchen she took her phone from her purse and checked to see if he had called. He hadn’t, it had been about an hour since she got home and she was starting to get a bit nervous.

Tapping on the screen of her phone she set it down and went to the coffee machine, like clockwork it was prepared the night before. But for some reason she decided to check, and when she lifted the lid she found coffee grounds that had already been used. Raising a brow she started to change the old coffee grounds out and replace them with new ones. Once the coffee machine started to brew she went back to her phone and too his contact, clicking on his name she started to call him. Voicemail.

Her jaw tensed as she ended the call and waited a few seconds before trying again. Leanne had called him five times in a span of fifteen minutes and each time it went straight to voicemail. She had forgotten all about the coffee she had been making and started to pace in the kitchen. Her mind went through each possible scenario that could have taken place. Perhaps he had gotten called into work, no, he would have taken his car. Maybe a co-worker called him to see if he wanted to get breakfast, but normally he would tell her so she wouldn’t worry. Leanne’s brows threaded together as the thought of losing the last thing she had filled her mind. The tears started to pool in her eyes and slip from the corners and down her cheeks. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening. Leanne felt her chest tighten, her panic growing as the minutes slowly ticked by. She didn’t know what to do, how long to wait before she decided to call the police.

Leanne had taken to lean against the marble island in the middle of the kitchen, her elbows against the counter and her head in her hands. Her eyes were closed, trying to get the awful feeling out of her stomach. The loud slam of the door opening caused her to jump, her head lifting as she looked behind her. Andrew stepped inside, a smile slightly going to his face as he looked over at her. Standing straight Leanne raised her brow, the worry escaping her and being replaced by anger. She could kill him. 

“Where have you been?”

Her voice was strong, scolding. She had only ever really used that tone with the kids when they disobeyed her. 

Andrew looked over at her, his mouth completely agape. “I went for a walk.”

Leanne put her hands on her hips. “At seven in the morning, with a broken leg.”

He shrugged and went to the coffee pot. “Did you just brew this?”

It was her turn for her mouth to be agape. How could have have the audacity to act so nonchalant? 

“Are you kidding me?”

He knew she was frustrated, fearful. But he didn’t think it would go this far. Almost annoyed he bit his bottom lip and turned to her. 

“I took a walk Leanne, I can’t walk anymore? Do I have to become a hermit?”

Leanne wanted to tell him yes, she wanted him to shut himself away and let the world disappear. But Andrew, he had never been like that. That’s what attracted her to him in the first place. The way his mind worked, he was logical, he pushed forward. Even after his father had died it was as if nothing had happened. But this, the accident should have affected him different, right?

Shaking her head she threw out her hands. 

“I just want you to react.”

Andrew shook his head at her, his shoulders falling as she continued to look over at him. 

“I don’t want to do this, every time I come home.” 

Leanne frowned, her hands falling to her sides. 

“Fight? Or talk about what happened to us.”

“What happened to us Leanne, isn’t going to change. And you need to realize that.”

Her eyes clouded again with tears, how could she? Her children were gone, he had almost died. How could he ever think she could get over something like that. 

“I know it won’t change, Andrew.”

He shrugged and it hurt her.  
“Then stop acting like they are going to come through that door, stop acting like they are going to walk down the stairs and sit at the table. Stop acting like they are still alive.”

Leanne nodded to him, blinking back the tears. Briefly she closed her eyes and shook her head, willing herself to not cry in front of him. Opening her eyes she gave him one last look and turned on her heels and disappearing out of the kitchen. 

Andrew sighed heavily and reached over to turn off the coffee machine. He tilted his neck to the left and stretched out his tense muscles. He knew where she had gone too and instead of standing here alone he decided to follow. 

He moved up the stairs slowly, his head hung low as he did so. He knew he had hurt her with his words, but he didn’t know how else to say what he needed to her. Yes, they lost their children, yes they were both involved in a traumatic car accident that almost killed them as well. But life had to move on, life had to continue if things were going to get better. 

Upon entering their bedroom he sighed, she was already in bed, her back turned from him. He sat on the empty edge of the bed and sighed heavily. 

“What do you want Andrew?”

Leanne didn’t move, instead she stared at the wall before her. Tears rolling down her cheeks. Maybe he was right. Maybe she needed to move on. 

“I just…” he hung his head a bit. 

Instead of letting the silence take over she moved slightly. “I have to work a double tomorrow, don’t expect me home.”

He turned in her direction, pain clearly in her voice. Nodding he got up and left the bedroom, shutting the door as he did so. Leanne just sighed and closed her eyes. There was no double to work, but she didn’t want to come home to an empty marriage. 

\--  
Leanne was thankful for the steady shift, it wasn’t completely overwhelming and it wasn’t slow. There was no serious patient that came through the bay yet, which gave her time to catch up on the paperwork piled on her desk. When she wasn’t consulting one of her resident’s or working on a patient herself that was where she was, in her office. 

It was located close to center stage, just in case she was needed. But it was a perfect oasis in the hospital. It had been a good thirty minutes since she had sat down to do some charts, the only progress she had made was opening one. She kept thinking about what Andrew had said that morning. About her thinking that the kids were going to walk through the door or down the stairs. There were days, she admits that she thought they would. When things were running smoothly and when she forgot for a bit what had happened to them. But it quickly disappeared when she would call out their names and hear no answer. 

Leaning back in her chair she slouched slightly, her hand going to her lip as she pinched it a bit. Why wasn’t he going crazy like she was? Was it because he didn’t love the kids as much? Was it because he didn’t love her...dropping her hand she sighed, her head leaning back against the small rest of the chair. A light knock on the door caused her to lift her head and then sit up. 

“What do you need, Dr. Lorenson?”

Christa had been watching her for a moment, the women was in pain it was clear. But more things were happening, and she knew better than to pry. 

“Jesse wanted me to tell you that two crash victims are on their way.”

Leanne nodded and pushed herself up and out of the chair. 

“Are….” Christa bit her lip a bit, “Are you okay Dr. Rorish?”

Raising her brow she walked past the blond doctor. 

“We have work to do.”

Nodding Christa watched her walk down the hallway. She quickly followed behind her. Just as the both of them reached center stage Jesse did as well. 

“Two car accident victims, both critical.”

Leanne nodded and took the gloves he offered her and slipped them on. 

“Did they give you extent of injuries?”

Jesse shook his head as he put the gloves on himself. Nodding Leanne turned around to look at her residents. 

“People involved in vehicle accidents can be difficult, they are more concerned about their families than themselves. Be patient, do your jobs and try to keep them as calm as you can.”

The four of them nodded and she turned back around. “You ready momma?”

“Let’s go get them Daddy.”

The alarm sounded that the ambulances had arrived. Leanne moved forward and towards the bay doors. The opened automatically and she tensed slightly. Six months ago she had been one of those people in the ambulance. Taking in a deep breath she let it out and moved forward, one of the doors opened and she went to hold it. The paramedic jumped down and handed her the chart they had created. 

“Twenty three year old male, lacerations to the head and face, broken femur with bruising to the abdomen, most likely due to the seatbelt he had been wearing.” 

Leanne nodded and handed Dr. Pineda his chart, “You and Dr. Savetti take this patient to center stage.” 

Dr. Pineda nodded and with Mario they made their way back inside the hospital. Leanne moved on to the next ambulance where Angus and Christa were helping take down the gurney from the back. 

“Sixteen year old male, broken nose, multiple lacerations to the face. He wasn’t wearing a seat belt and was ejected upon impact. We haven’t been able to get him stabilized, we’ve shocked him twice in the rig.” 

“Dr. Lorenson, start chest compression's.”

Christa nodded and climbed on top, immediately she started chest compression's as the gurney continued to jerk forward. Leanne could feel the lump in her throat as she looked at the boy lying on the gurney, shaking her head she took the cart and flipped through it. 

“How far did he go upon being ejected?”

The paramedic shook his head, “About fifty feet, it was a pretty bad hit...I’m surprised he made it this long.”

Leanne set the chart on the gurney, “Why wasn’t he called on scene?”

“The brother insisted, I wasn’t going to let him see his brother die.”

Tensing she nodded and looked over at Jesse. 

“Take him to trauma one, keep doing chest compressions until he is out of his brother’s sight.”

Jesse nodded and started to help Angus push the gurney, Leanne followed close behind and saw the disbelief on Angus’s face. 

“We aren't going to at least try?”

Leanne pursed her lips slightly, “Dr. Leighton, that boy’s brain is scrambled, he went through a windshield, flew fifty feet and landed on the asphalt. There is nothing to be done, the paramedics should have called DOA. There is nothing I can do but save that other boys life, now take him to trauma one.”

Jesse, Angus and Christa all went to trauma one, Leanne turned the opposite way and went to center stage. She tore off her gloves and tossed them then grabbed new ones. 

“What’s going on Dr. Hudson?”

Neal looked over at her, he could see it. He could see the fatigue on her face, the worry. He shook his head and worked on his patient. 

“X-ray confirmed broken femur, he is going to need surgery, OR has been paged and we should be up there in a few minutes.”

Leanne grabbed the x-ray and held it up. There was no need for her to butt in on Neal’s work. She had taught him well, he was fully capable of handling this situation. 

“What about the abdomen? Any bleeding?”

“Not that we can see, ultrasound didn’t show anything of concern. Looks like he was pretty lucky.”

Nodding she set down the x-ray and looked over at Neal. They had made eye contact briefly and he silently asked about the other patient that came in. Leanne shook her head slowly, her eyes burning. The patient on the gurney shot up quickly, Neal and Dr. Savetti broke from what they were doing to try to get him to lay back down. 

“My brother! Where the hell is he?!”

Dr. Savetti tried to calm him but it was no use. Leanne moved past one of Jesse’s nurse and towards the boy. 

“I’m Dr. Rorish, what is your name?”

Panicked he looked at her, “I...uhm. Ben I’m Ben.”

Leanne nodded and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Okay Ben. Listen, I need you to calm down for Dr. Hudson. He needs to get you over to surgery and I’m going to get back to your brother.”

“Is he okay? I need him to be okay, I need you to help him.”

“I am going to do everything in my power to help him. But I don’t want you to worry about that right now, I need you to let your doctor do his job, okay?”

Ben nodded, his bottom lip quivering as he relaxed against the gurney. Leanne patted his shoulder and stood, “Get him to the OR.”

Neal nodded as she stepped back. Leanne watched as he pulled the gurney away. Mario and Malaya stayed behind, both sighing as they took off their gloves. Malaya turned to her and tilted her head a bit. 

“How’s his brother?”

Blankly Leanne looked at her biting the inside of her cheek. “He died.” She shoved her hands in her scrubs pockets and walked out of center stage towards trauma one. 

She was greeted by Jesse who had been making his notations to the chart. Lightly Leanne bumped her shoulder into his. “We have a contact?”

Jesse nodded, “Dr. Leighton has it, he is ready when you are.”

Leanne nodded and took her hands from her pockets. “Thanks momma.”

She moved from her spot to where Angus was waiting. 

“Come on, locker room is quieter.”

Without a word they both walked down the hall to the locker room, Leanne took to lean against one of the lockers. Angus stood in front of her holding the paper with the mother’s number on it. 

“When you call introduce yourself and then ask whom you are speaking with. Tell them it is important they get to the hospital, do not tell them their family member has died over the phone, you are not authorized to do so.”

He nodded and pulled his phone out dialing the number listed. He put it too his ear and looked over at her. Leanne dropped her head slightly and listened. 

“Hello, I am Dr. Leighton at Angels Memorial. May I ask who I am speaking with?...Mrs. Bennet, your sons were admitted to the hospital following a traffic collision. I am going to need you to come down here.”

Leanne could hear the other women’s questions through the phone, looking up she watched Angus. He was nervous there was no doubt, but he was keeping himself together. 

“I do apologize but I am unable to do so over the phone. It is important you come to the hospital...yes ma’am. Thank you.” 

He waited a moment before hanging up the phone and sighing. Leanne pushed herself from the locker and put a hand to his shoulder. 

“The hardest part is telling them to their face. When she gets here we will do that together, alright?”

Angus nodded and bit at his lip as she walked out of the locker room.


	5. Chapter 5

Leanne walked down the hallway, the noise of the hospital dimming in her ears as she thought about what she was going to tell the mother. She felt her chest tighten as she thought of Jesse telling her that her daughter had died. The pain, the guilt. She couldn’t save them and that was excruciating. She pushed her way into the lounge and sighed out of relief that it was empty. Going to the coffee pot she poured herself a cup and stirred in a single sugar packet. She leaned against the old blue counter and sipped slowly at the hot liquid. 

I’m sorry Leanne... 

She could hear her own screams in her mind. The screams she gave Robbie when he passed in her arms, the screams she gave Jenny when she died in the hospital. Her body tensed as she closed her eyes. Her tears streaming down her cheeks as she thought of what Andrew had told her. 

They aren’t coming back.

Dropping her head she shook it slowly, the tears continuing to run down her cheeks. The sound of the door opening caused her to lift her head, immediately she turned around so the other person couldn’t see her. Setting down her coffee cup she reached up and wiped her face with her hands. Clearing her throat she picked up her cup and took another sip. Not ready to face whoever it was that walked through that door. But the other person had different plans, a hand went to her shoulder and she tensed turning around to a concerned Neal. 

“Are you alright?”

Moving away she caused him to drop his hand. She stood a bit straighter and nodded. 

“Just getting coffee.”

Neal frowned slightly, “Leanne..”

She had gone to the old couch at the side of the room. Sitting down she cleared her throat again. 

“Yes?”

He knew, he always did. She shifted to cross her left leg over her right, her coffee resting against her knee. Licking her lips she diverted her eyes from his own. She smiled slightly shaking her head again. 

“Angus has his first, we need to tell you your son is dead, today.” 

Neal took in a breath and nodded, he moved from his spot near the fridge and coffee machine over to the couch. He lowered himself to sit next to her and leaned back a bit. 

“And you…”

“I’m his attending, I need to be there to help him.”

Lifting her head she looked over at him for a moment. And then went back to staring into her coffee, which was starting to get cold. 

“You don’t have to do it today, Leanne.”

She shrugged lightly. Her hand bringing the coffee to her lips, she sipped softly and then brought it back down against her knee. Licking her lips she shifted again. 

“Andrew is telling me to let go.” 

Laughing lightly she rolled her eyes. 

“He said that every time I come home I expect to see them walking down the stairs, or through the back door.”

She felt the sting of the tears again and tried to blink them away, but she couldn’t. There was something about Neal that comforted her, perhaps it was the ten years of growing friendship. Right now she wasn’t quite sure. The door was pushed open again, she looked up and smiled a bit when Angus poked his head in. 

“Dr. Rorish, Mrs. Bennett is here.” 

Nodding she stood up, Neal watched as Angus let the door shut as he waited outside in the hallway. He stood as well, his hand catching her arm softly. 

“I can go with you, I don’t have any patients.”

Turning she looked at him, a shake of the head told him it was fine. But it wasn’t, it was far from fine. Yet he didn’t push it and he let her arm go. Leanne tossed her cup of coffee into the trash can before leaving the lounge. She was greeted in the hallway by a nervous looking Angus, she tapped his shoulder in a supportive manner. 

“Hold your stethoscope in your hands, it will stop you from fidgeting. I’ll be in the room with you, but don’t look at me, it will make you seem unsure of yourself. You look at them, be strong with your words, speak in layman's terms, don’t use medical jargon, they will stop listening to you after a while. I will step in if I feel like you are unraveling, alright?”

Angus nodded and sighed heavily, she dropped her hand from his shoulder and started walking forward. He followed and they both went to a private waiting room. She opened the door and smiled a bit at the women who was pacing. Clearing her throat the women stopped pacing and turned towards them. 

“How are my boys?”

Looked at Angus, he stepped forward slightly and licked his lips. Clearing his throat he moved forward again. 

“Mrs. Bennett, I’m Dr. Leighton, this is Dr. Rorish. We are both your son’s doctors. Ben and Jeremy were involved in a car accident, Ben is doing well, he just got out of surgery to fix a broken femur, other than that he has a few lacerations and some bruising on his abdomen from his seat belt.”

Mrs. Bennett sighed out of relief. Leanne watched carefully, so far Angus was doing great. But then again he wasn’t at the hardest part yet. 

“And Jeremy? How is he doing?”

Leanne stepped forward slightly, silently telling Angus to continue and that she was here if need be. 

“Jeremy suffered very serious injuries. A broken nose, lacerations to his face fr…”

“That doesn’t sound serious…”

Angus cleared his throat again, his voice had started to become shaky. And while he was holding his stethoscope he was fidgeting. 

“I uhm...I understand, but Jeremy wasn’t wearing his seat belt. The force of the car accident sent him through the windshield…”

Mrs. Bennett stepped back, Leanne moved forward just in case she decided she was going to miss the chair. 

“Are...he isn’t dead. People survive those types of things all the time.”

Leanne moved closer to her, motioning her to sit in the chair. When she did Leanne kneeled down to become more level with her. She felt her throat tighten and her hands become clammy. 

“Mrs. Bennett...Jeremy was thrown fifty feet from the vehicle. The paramedics on scene did everything they possibly could. When they brought him into the emergency room I did everything I could. I’m sorry, but he passed upon impact.”

The women let out a gasp, and then a cry of pain. Leanne jolted back a bit and then stood. Her hands going to her scrubs pockets as she bit the inside of her cheek. She knew this pain, this betrayal and ferocity that a life had been taken from her. Angus stepped forward just a bit. 

“When you are ready, we will take you to see Ben.”

The sobs echoed through the almost empty room. Leanne turned away, Angus said a few more words about giving her the time she needed and that they would check on her soon before turning around as well. They left the room, closing the door softly. Leanne felt her body on the brink of exploding. 

“You did well, now go check on your patients.”

Angus nodded and left the hallway. Leanne went the opposite way and made a beeline for the ambulance bay. Once outside she moved past the few people who had collected there to smoke or just take a break. She went to a slightly secluded area at the side of the hospital and leaned against it. Her palms went to the building, holding her up as she hung her head. Her eyes closing as she tried to control the urge to puke. Taking in deep breaths through her nose she let them out slowly through her mouth. The tears once again streaming down her cheeks. It was way too soon, to do this, to come back to work. 

The back of her hand went to her lips, her eyes tightening more as she willed her body to stop reacting the way it was. But it was useless. The pain that she saw in the women's eyes was the same pain she had in her own, the same pain she saw in her husband’s when she had to tell him his little girl was dead. She felt her head start to spin and she kneeled down, the palm of her hand staying on the wall as she leaned her forehead against the front of her hand. Leanne let out a cry, she wanted this pain to stop, for her mind to wake her up from this cruel dream. But it was far too real and no amount of sleep, or wishing it was untrue would turn back time. She rocked lightly on her heels, the sobs continuing to move through her body. 

\--

Neal had been trying to find Leanne for about thirty minutes. A patient from yesterday’s shift had come back in the hospital asking for her. After a few laps around the trauma floor he decided to treat the patient himself. It was a follow up and the patient couldn’t remember the instructions to change their bandages. Neal changed them for her and then wrote down instructions for later on in the day. After he finished with the patient he asked around to see if anyone had seen where she disappeared too. They all shook their heads, and by chance he decided to check to see if she had gone outside to get some food. He went to the taco truck and wrinkled his nose when he didn’t see her, turning around he was about to head back into the hospital when he saw someone out by the side of the building. 

It didn’t hurt to check, he thought. He walked over there and a slight panic overtook him when he noticed it was her. She was sitting on the floor, her back to the building and her head in her hands. He went over to her and knelled down, his hand going to her shoulder. 

“Leanne?”

She sniffled, her head picking up to look at him. Her tear stained face paining him more than he ever imagined. He moved to sit next to her, his hand going to her back to rub comfortingly. 

“I can’t do this.”

Her voice was soft and harsh. Her hands fell to her sides as she leaned back, the back of her head going to the structure of the building. 

“You can, Leanne. You are the strongest person I know.”

She scoffed, her lip quivering as the threat of more tears came. 

“I’m a mess. A complete mess. I can't even talk to my husband, what makes me think I can talk to a patient's family?”

Neal sighed softly, a faint smile coming to his lips when she took to lean against him. 

“I…” licking her lips she shook her head. “Maybe I should just quit.”

He turned to her, his brow furrowing at the thought of not seeing her anymore. 

“Now that is something you cannot do. You just need time. It's only been six months, you came to work too soon that is all.”

“It's better than being at home, Neal.”

Moving slightly he turned towards her, his hand going to her forearm. 

“You and Andrew should try to see someone. You can’t keep this all inside Leanne, it's going to tear you apart.”

It already has. Leanne hadn’t slept in the past six months, and when she did it was for a few hours, not counting the nightmares. Coffee was starting to wear off, and the pills...the pills were supposed to help sleeping and control the anxiety. Those definitely weren’t working. 

“Andrew won’t see a therapist. I’ve already tried.”

Sighing Neal let go of her arm, he shrugged lightly. 

“Then maybe you need to get out of that house.”

Laughing she looked at him, her hands reaching up to wipe away the new set of tears. 

“And go where? A hotel...that’s just what I need. More rumors going around this hospital.”

“A hotel, a friends house. Whatever. And screw the rumors. They have no idea what you are going through.”

Shaking her head she wiped her hands on her scrubs pants. 

“I don’t have many friends Neal. And the ones that I did have are gone.”

He nudged her slightly, “That isn’t true...plus you have me, and Jesse.”

“I’m not going to bombarded into Jesse’s life, or yours.”

“Well, I can’t speak for Jesse but if I could I am sure it would be what I am going to say for myself.”

She tilted her head, “And that is?”

“That you have already bombarded yourself into what little life I have…”

Laughing lightly she leaned her head back again. 

“Please Neal, you can’t possibly suggest I stay at your house.”

Shrugging he leaned his head back as well. “Why not? I have a spare room downstairs, its not like anyone else walks through the door but me.”

She lifted her head up and looked over at him, her brow raising. 

“It’s not a good idea.” shaking her head she went to stand. “Plus, its extremely unprofessional.”

Neal stood as well, helping her a bit. 

“Why? We are friends Leanne, I’m helping out a friend. I don’t see any harm in that.”

Leanne put her stethoscope back around her neck, she held on to it lightly. 

“I will be fine...okay. Thanks for checking on me.”

She turned around and headed back towards the hospital, Neal sighed and watched her go, his hands going into his pockets as he kicked lightly at the concrete. 

“But you're not fine…”

Shaking his head he slowly followed her back into the hospital. He watched as she rounded the corner, kicking himself internally he went to the nurses station and tried to busy himself with work.


	6. Chapter 6

Over the course of three days Leanne did her best to not let Neal’s suggestion bother her. What made him think that it was okay? She is married, he is probably seeing someone outside of work...it wasn’t appropriate and she hoped that he understood that. She continued working, taking another leave would just be another set back, and plus she wasn’t in the mood to listen to Andrew say, ‘I told you so.’ 

The next few days were easier than the one before, no car crash victims, no screams from a mother who had just lost her son. No fights between her and Andrew about silly, unimportant things. It was peaceful, but she knew deep down it wasn’t going to last much longer. 

As if the fates knew her comfort from the last three days her pager went off. She looked down and saw that it was Jesse, usually he only paged her for lunch or when an emergency was coming in. Clicking the noise off on her phone she shoved it back in her pocket and headed towards the trauma floor. He was waiting for her, nonchalantly at the nurses station. His arm leaning against a chart as she approached. 

“You rang.”

Jesse nodded, with his arm he pushed the chart towards her. “Andrew’s here to see you.”

Leanne felt her heart drop. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening to her again. Without grabbing the chart she tore away from the nurses station, a hustle in her steps as she went to the trauma bay, peeking into each one as she desperately tried to find her husband. She must have looked stupid, it would have probably been beneficial that she asked Jesse which bay he was in. She pulled back a final curtain and sighed when she saw him lying in one of the beds, his casted foot propped up against the bed while his other hung down. “What...are you alright?”

She frowned, the space between him and her closing instantly when she noticed his hand was being held up, and blood was dripping down his wrist. Grabbing a pair of gloves she slipped them on and went to sit on the side of the bed. 

“Leanne...it’s fine, I’m fine.”

Ignoring his words she took his hand and pulled it down so she could access. “What did you do?”

Andrew sighed, leaning back against the pillow of the gurney. “I just dropped a glass.”

“Don’t lie to me.”  
She made him slowly unclench his fist, taking away the towel that was soaking up the blood she reached over and grabbed some gauze. Christa had seen her move towards a patient, and being the ever so good resident she started to approach them. Shoving her hands in her pocket she smiled a bit, “Can I get you anything Dr. Rorish?”

Leanne frowned and looked over at Christa, “Uhm...no, well I need a suture kit and some saline to clean this out.”

Christa nodded and turned around, going to the station where they kept the items requested. She turned back around and brought a tray over to Leanne, setting it down she grabbed a pair of gloves. Out of the corner of her eye Leanne watched her, and then turned back to her. “That’s all I need, thank you.”

Stopping Christa slightly raised her brow, “I thought, maybe I could assist you.”

Leanne raised a brow, her voice more stern than before. “I said that is all.”

Biting her lip Christa nodded and stepped back, she turned around and retreated from the area of slight hostility. Leanne shook her head and turned back to her husband’s hand. Taking away the gauze she had placed earlier she reached for the saline that would clean out his wound. 

“You were pretty stern with her.”

Before cleaning out his wound she grabbed a blue surgical towel and placed it on her leg and under his hand. “I didn’t need her help.”

Andrew pursed his lips and watched as she squirted the saline onto his wound, lightly he jerked back, but she had a good enough grip on his arm. She set the saline solution down and reached for fresh gauze. 

“So, are you going to tell me what really happened?”

She received a groan in protest, and then a sharp intake of his breath. Looking up at him she tilted her head, he was never good at holding back the truth, especially with her. 

“Andrew, this is going to need stitches, so either I elicit unnecessary pain to your hand or you just tell me what the hell happened.”

Clenching his jaw he nodded, “I broke a window.”  
“With your hand?”

Nodding he shifted on the gurney, his body slightly relaxing as she reached for the numbing medication. 

“I don’t know what happened...I just. I was sitting in the living room, and the next thing I knew my hand went through the window.” 

Leanne put the medication around the wound and then sat back a bit, waiting for it to start to work. “Well...we’re going to need to call to get a new window.”

Andrew laughed a bit, “I tapped it up.”

She reached over for the needle and the stitches, “Don’t move.”

He did as he was told and looked away as she started to stitch up the gash on his palm. When she was finished with her stitches she tied them off and set the tool on the small tray. Reaching over again she grabbed the bandage and started to wrap it around his hand. 

“Don’t get it wet for three days. I’ll check the stitches then.”

Looking back at her he watched her carefully. He didn’t really notice until now at how different she had become. Bitter, distant, pained and angry. It hurt him to know that she was now like that, because before the accident she was anything but. Leanne held a liveliness in her he had never seen before, it’s what made him fall in love with her. But now...he barely recognized her. 

Clearing his throat he sat up more, “When are you coming home?”

She stood, taking off her gloves she placed them on the tray with all her used items. Reaching up she pushed back her bangs and shrugged. “When shift is over.”

Sighing he swung his casted leg over the side. “Leanne..”

Pursing her lips she humored him, “Around eight...I need to finish up some paperwork that has been stacking up.”

Nodding he stood up, she stepped back and shoved her hands in her pockets as she grabbed his coat. He held out his arm to her, “Thanks for fixing me up.”

Humming she nodded to him, he leaned towards her, planning on placing a small kiss to her lips when she moved away. Before the accident she used to let him do that when he would come see her. But he had to try and remind himself that she wasn’t the same person. He straightened his back and nodded before leaving the trauma bay and walking to the discharge desk. 

Leanne dropped her head slightly and sighed, pulling her hands from her pockets she moved to clean up her mess. Unknown to her Neal had been watching their exchange, it killed him to know how broken she had become. 

\- 

After shift ended, and she finished some paperwork she decided it was time to go home. Changing in the locker room was almost a tedious task, but she completed it and grabbed her bag and jacket and left the hospital. Once home she set her things down, the smell of freshly made coffee reaching her nose. Taking off her jacket she hung it up on the coat rack and went into the kitchen. Andrew was already sitting at the table with a cup of hot coffee. He looked up at her and smiled softly, “Hey.”

Leanne smiled at him slightly and went over to him. Slowly she stood behind him and leaned down to kiss the top of his head, “I’m going to shower and sleep.”

Andrew lifted his bandaged hand up to reach for her hand, but he wasn’t quick enough. Pulling away she dropped her hands from his shoulders and headed out of the kitchen. He leaned back against the chair as he heard her footsteps disappear up the stairs. When the shower kicked on he shook his head and stood, pushing the chair back and grabbing his coffee cup. 

He went to the sink and dumped it out. What were they becoming? He bit at his lip before moving out of the kitchen and up the stairs himself. He walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. She had showered quickly, which she seemed to do lately. But nevertheless he waited for her to appear in the bedroom. 

Leanne knew he was out there, he was becoming more predictable by the passing days. She towel dried her damp hair and slipped on some shorts and a t-shirt. Hanging up the towel she pulled open the door. Like she had predicted he was sitting on his edge of the bed, patiently waiting. Moving from the bathroom to her side of the bed she let the room fill with an awkward silence. Sitting on her edge of the bed she made sure her phone was set at the time she needed. Swinging her legs over she lay down and pulled the flannel sheets over her body. Andrew moved to lay down as well, his body facing her as she stared up at the ceiling. 

Closing her eyes she cleared her throat slightly, he moved closer, his hand going to take hers. He needed her, or wanted her, she wasn’t quite sure which one. But right now it matter, she needed him to help get through this. She couldn’t do it alone, not when they lost so much. He moved again, closer each time, she could feel his breath against her cheek and she opened her eyes. She sat up quickly making him lose contact with her hand. Her legs swung over the bed as she hunched her shoulders. She could hear him sigh and sit up, “How long are we going to do this?”

Turning towards him she tilted her head and raised both of her brows. “Are you going to avoid me for the rest of our lives?”

Leanne stood up and pushed back her damp hair. Her hands went to her hips as she slightly started to paced in their bedroom. “No. I…” sighing she avoided looking at him. “I need time.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and let out a huff. “How much time is this going to take…”

Enraged at his question she turned to him, stopping her pacing. “Excuse me?”

Shrugging he looked at her, challenging her rage. “How long is this going to take?”

“This...as in my grief, as in my pain of losing our children!?”

Andrew rolled his eyes and quickly got off the bed. Leanne went towards him, challenging him even more. He knew better, he knew so much better than to start a pissing competition because she always won. 

“You don’t think I want to get along with my life, our life? Jesus Andrew!”

He turned around quickly, which caused her to step back. “You don’t think that this is hurtful for me?”

Her hands went out, “I don’t know! You don’t talk to me, you don’t say anything regarding the accident.”

“What is there to say Leanne? I can’t take back what happened to us, I can’t bring the kids back from the dead. Yet you seem to think so.”

She scoffed, “Please, how naive do you think I am? I know they aren’t coming back dammit.” The tears started to well in her eyes, she hated doing this. Hated fighting, hated what their life had become.

“Then why are you pulling away from me? Why won't you even let me take your hand and kiss you?”

Laughing slightly she let the tears start to fall down her cheeks, “You don’t think I want you too? That is all I want, for you to tell me that it’s going to be okay, that we are going to get through this together. But how can I think that when you can’t even express how sad you are?”

“I express it.”

She stepped closer to him, “How? Please, god tell me how because every time I look at you it's as if they didn’t even exist. That our kids didn’t matter to you!”

Andrew felt his breathing quicken, he clenched his jaw and grabbed slightly at her shoulders. 

“Don’t you ever, EVER say that our children didn’t matter to me. They were my life, you are my life!”

Leanne pushed his hands away, “Well I would never know Andrew.” she put her hand to her chest, “I’m trying...I’m trying to move past this, but I don’t think I can.”

Shaking his head he balled up his fists, “You are just afraid that if you move on it won't matter, the years we had with them will be nothing.” 

She jumped slightly as his voice started to raise, her mouth fell open as she looked over at him. “Of course I’m afraid,” her voice cracked, “I…” she shook her head, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Turning around she grabbed the sweater that was on the small chair and pulled it over her head, she reached for her jeans that were on the floor and stepped out of her shorts and slipped them on. He was watching her carefully, “What are you doing?”

Not answering him she pulled on some shoes and grabbed her phone. “I’m leaving.” she went to move past him and was stopped by him grabbing her arms. 

“You're not leaving.” 

Her eyes were wide as she looked up at him, who was this man? She tore her arms away, “I’ll do what I please, Andrew..”

Keeping a grip on her he stepped back, a fear rose in her throat as someone she didn’t recognize stood before her. 

“You can’t keep running Leanne” she pulled away again, this time she was successful and she moved past him, she quickly went down the hallway and down the stairs. Grabbing her purse she swung the door open and let it shut with a slam. She unlocked the car and got in, backing up with a force she didn’t know she possessed. 

The tears continued to stream down her face as she went down the road, not sure exactly where she was going. All she knew was that she couldn’t be in that house, not with him. Reaching for her phone she unlocked it and searched for Neal’s number. Clicking it she brought the phone to her ear and listened to the ringing. 

\--

The drive to his apartment was shorter than she expected, it wasn’t too far from her own home which was somewhat of a comfort. When she pulled into the parking slot he was already outside waiting for her. She got out of the car and walked towards him, the tears still clearly evident on her face. He gave her a crooked expression, he truly hated to see her upset. Moving closer to her he motioned for her to come inside. 

When she did she lightly tossed her purse on the floor near the small collection of tennis shoes. Neal shut and locked the door behind her and wrinkled his nose. “Do you want some coffee, or something?”

She laughed lightly and nodded, “Coffee would be fine.”

He nodded and went to the kitchen and poured her a fresh cup, he took the sugar out and put a single packet in, stirring it lightly he held the cup out for her. Leanne closed the space between them and took hold of the cup, thanks in her eyes as she sipped at the hot liquid. He knew something had happened, a fight no doubt with Andrew, but he didn't dare ask. When she was ready she would tell him, that's how it worked between them now. 

Leanne took another sip of the coffee, humming as the liquid went down her throat. After a moment she set it down and sighed, “He punched a window” 

Neal raised his brow, he knew who she was talking about. He had seen Andrew come into the hospital and had watched as she worked meticulously to stitch his hand. “On purpose?”

She shrugged and leaned against the counter. He gestured to the couch and she quietly followed him. Sitting down side by side she turned, her leg going under her left thigh. 

“He won't talk to me about it, instead he just tells me how I can't let go and punches windows out.” 

Neal nodded and slightly leaned towards her. 

“I don't know what to do anymore.” 

Sighing she let her head fall back against the couch cushion. 

“Did you mention therapy to him again?”

Shaking her head she looked over at him. “He won't do it, so I just stopped asking.” 

Giving her an, I'm sorry you have to deal with this look he propped his elbow on the couch, he leaned his head in the palm of his hand and watched her. She was staring at the ceiling, her eyes moving about the popcorn texture. 

He pulled his eyes away, his leg bouncing lightly, “You...remember my mother, right?” 

Leanne hummed, “I only met her briefly, but yes.”

Nodding he shook his head, “She wants to visit LA.” 

Smirking she heard the tint of annoyance in his voice, looking over at him she appreciated the change of conversation. “You should let her...show her around the city.” 

He looked back over and her and smiled, “I am just afraid of getting the guilt trip of not giving her grandchildren or…” 

Neal let his voice trailed off, realizing that the mention of children was a sensitive subject. Leanne smiled sadly at him, her head shaking as he went to apologize. 

“You should feel guilty, children are magnificent.” 

He smiled slightly, “When Robbie was first born, my god...he was the most beautiful baby. Perfect.” 

Leanne smiled wide, he hadn't seen her smile like that in a long time. He of course remembered, it wasn't too long after he started his residency that she had become pregnant. He never knew a woman could be so beautiful until he had seen her with child. But that was an entirely different story. 

“And Jenny,” she gasped softly. “I thought I could never love another human being more. I loved Robbie, but there was a different connection when Jenny was born. The perfect combination of Andrew and I.” 

There was no doubt in his mind that Leanne held an unconditional love for her kids. Even though they were gone she spoke as if they were still here, he truly didn't see anything wrong with that. 

“Do you remember when I brought her to the hospital for the first time?” 

Leanne picked her head up and looked at him more. “She was what...five?” Waving her hand she smiled, “God I could not keep her away from you, she was infatuated.” 

Neal laughed, “well can you really blame her?” 

Leanne laughed as well, completely caught in the moment she shook her head, “not at all!” 

Both of their laughs dropped as they tried to comprehend what she had just confessed too. Biting her lip she laughed shyly. Clearing her throat she tilted her head a bit, “she really did love you Neal, spoke very highly of you.”

It pained him to know that he wouldn't be able to see Jenny again. She was a complete replica of Leanne. Strong willed, stubborn as all hell, smart, beautiful. He prayed that her life hadn't been taken at the age of seven. Sighing he nodded to her, “I was pretty in love with her as well.”

Leanne smiled, the tears welling in her eyes as she thought about the kids. God, it was too quiet in her home and she hated it. Letting a few tears fall she went to turn away from him. Neal caught her arm, rubbing softly. “Leanne…”

Sniffling she shook her head, her free hand going to wipe away her tears but he stopped her. “It's okay to cry…”

Scoffing she dropped her hand, “I'm just afraid that if I do I won't be able to stop.” 

Neal shrugged, “I'll help you.” 

Laughing lightly she let the tears fall freely, he let her. He wasn't telling her how weak and fragile she was. He wasn't pushing it off and saying it didn't matter. Neal just let her release whatever she needed too, and she was okay with that. 

The knock on the door caused both of them to jump. He let go of her arm and stood up rather quickly. Turning away from the door she did her best to rid herself of her tears. Unlocking to door he frowned when he became face to face with his mother. 

“Uhm...mum, hi”

She sighed and pushed through the door, “Honestly, that is how you are going to greet the women who gave birth to you?” 

Leanne stood, twirling around in surprise. This was not how she wanted to meet his mother, again. 

Asra set her items down and let her smile drop when she saw the women standing in her son's living room. 

Neal looked at Leanne and gave her an apologetic shrug. Smiling she reassured him that it was alright, stepping forward she extended out her hand, “Hello, I'm Leanne, I work with Neal.” 

Asra shook her hand, raising a brow at the distraught woman before her. Neal knew she could tell, and his mother wasn't one to not butt in. Leanne stepped back and pushed some of her hair behind her ear. “Uhm, Neal I'm going to head out..I will see you at work.” 

Setting to the side she went to make a beeline for the door. “Oh no dear… You are in no place to drive, come and sit back down.” 

Leanne looked at Neal as his mother guided her back to the couch. Neal stepped forward, “Mum, she doesn't live far…”

Asra shushed him and sat down next to Leanne, her hand going to her back and rubbing lightly. “Have you eaten?” Leanne went to shake her head, “That's okay I will make you some pancakes, they always make Neal feel better.” 

Getting up she went to the small kitchen and started rummaging through his cabinets. Leanne smirked softly, she now knew where Neal got his need to help people from. Neal raised his brow and turned around towards the kitchen, “Let me help you.” 

“No, sit down.” 

He listened, and sat down next to Leanne. She giggled and nudged his shoulder with her arm. “Quite the lady.”


	7. Chapter 7

Breakfast of course was delicious, Asra was a wonderful cook, and the passion showed through her food. After being fed Leanne offered to clean up, while Neal and his mother sat on the couch, talking over the morning news she silently washed the dishes. After finishing she cleaned the counters and then hung up the slightly damp down. Hesitantly she moved from the kitchen into the living room, her hands slipping into the back of her jean pockets, “Uhm, sorry...Neal I’m going to head out.”

At the sound of her voice he stood, turning in her direction and nodding softly. “You are alright?”

Leanne smiled a him, nodding. “I’m alright.”

Asra stood, looking between her son and his colleague. Stepping forward she motioned to the couch. “You don’t want to stay a bit longer, Neal and I were just going to watch a movie, if you cared to join.”

Before Neal could say anything Leanne put her hands out, shaking her head slightly. “No, I need to get home...my husband’s waiting for me.”

Asra’s mouth slightly opened as she nodded, “Of course. Drive safe.” smiling she went to sit back on the couch, letting Neal say his own goodbyes. 

Leanne went towards the collection of his shoes, picking up her purse she fished out her keys and then slung it over her shoulder. Neal walked up behind her, waiting for her to step aside so he could unlock the door. Opening it they both squinted at the rays of sunlight that were casting through. “I’ll see you at work then, try to get some sleep.”

Nodding she stepped out and turned to him, “Thank you. You know, for listening.”

He smiled, he wanted to reach to her, to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But instead he stepped back, “Anytime.” He waited for her to walk down the entryway of the apartments. Making sure she got into her car he watched as she drove off and then stepped back to fully close the door. 

Her son’s hesitation didn’t go unnoticed, she was after all the woman who had raised him. Waiting for him to come back on the couch she smirked over at him, “Neal?”

Knowing full well where she was going he shook his head and turned to her. “We are friends, have been for a long time. I was simply trying to be there for her.”

Asra hummed and turned back towards the television. Leaning back on the couch she crossed her arms over her chest, watching as he flipped through the channels. “Seems like there is more…”

Neal sighed, “Mother...please don’t.”

She put her hands up in surrender, a slight chuckle escaping her throat. There was definitely more, and Neal could deny it all he wanted too. But Asra knew better, so much better. 

\--

When Leanne got home she was thankful to see that Andrew’s car was not in the drive. Instead of parking in the garage, like she normally would she parked in his spot. Going back inside she sighed, shutting the door and locking it she retreated up the stairs. All she wanted to do was sleep, or at least try too. Kicking her shoes off she stripped herself of the sweater and jeans and crawled into bed. Pulling the sheets fully over her she lay on her side and did her best to forget about the fight, to forget, just for a moment that her house was silent. 

The loud alarm on her phone going off caused her to jump, sitting up she reached for it and clicked the alarm off. 4 PM. Sighing she lay back down, her hands going to her face to try and rub the sleep away. After a few moments of laying back and staring up at the ceiling she flung the sheets fully off of herself and sat up, stretching her neck and arching her back she pushed herself up from the comfort of her bed. 

Slowly she made her way into the bathroom and started the shower. Knowing that she was alone in the house she took longer than normal. After what seemed like forever she stepped out of the shower, ringing the water from her hair she wrapped the towel around her body and went to finish her morning routine. 

After dressing and getting an extra pair of scrubs for her locker she headed downstairs. Cleaning up the coffee Andrew had made that morning she started a new pot and then went to the fridge to find something to take in to eat. Nothing. She hadn’t made a meal probably since the accident, biting her lip she shut the fridge. Coffee would be fine for now. She looked down at her watch, 5:30 PM. She would have to go soon, for her shift started at seven, and she wanted to get into work early to try and finish the paperwork she hadn’t gotten too this morning. Once the coffee was made she poured it into a travel mug and headed out the door. 

Walking into the hospital she noticed the bustle already starting to build. It was going to be a busy night, and smiling slightly to herself she was okay with that. It meant not having to think about home, it meant doing what she did best, and that was being a doctor. Going to the locker room she headed towards her locker, setting her items down on the bench she turned as the door opened again. Raising her brows she watched as Neal shrugged at her lightly and went to the locker opposite her. 

“You are early.” She took the lock off and opened the door, setting the lock inside she grabbed the extra scrubs from her bag and set them neatly on the shelf. 

“My mother was lecturing me...I told her they called me in earlier.” 

Leanne let out a small laugh as she kicked off her shoes, picking them up she set them in the bottom of the locker. “You know...she knows where you work. She can always come here.”

Neal let out a sigh as he opened his locker. “I didn’t even think of that.”

Shaking her head she took off her coat and hung it up. She grabbed the scrubs that were already in her locker and set them out on the bench, taking her purse she took out her phone and then hung it up. “Be nice to her...she missed you.”

Neal emptied out his pockets and put his things on the top shelf. He then grabbed his own pair of scrubs and set them out while kicking off his shoes. 

“Yeah...I’ll admit, I did miss her as well.” He turned to Leanne who had her back turned to him. “But don’t tell her I confessed to that.”

Smiling she pulled off her shirt and hung it over her jacket. “Not a word.”

Neal stopped what he was doing, his lips parting slightly as he stared at her almost bare back. He noticed a small scar on her lower back, maybe from the accident. His eyes moved over her shoulders, the curves of her waist that were full from bearing two children. The muscles in her back tensed as she moved to pull the undershirt from her locker. The dip running down the middle of her back flexing as her shoulders pulled the sleeves on her arms. He felt his heart beat faster, she was beautiful. 

He turned back around, his jaw tensing as he pulled his shirt off quickly and then pulled his scrub top on. Leanne reached for her own scrub top and pulled it over her head, slipping her arms in she pulled it down, fixing it slightly. She then ran her hands under her hair, removing it from between her two shirts. Neal bit his lip as he heard the belt of her pants click, he dared himself not to move as he took of his jeans and tossed them into the bottom of the locker. Grabbing his shoes he saw from the corner of his eye that she had stepped out of her jeans, biting his lip he grabbed his shoes and slipped them on, he turned around he put one of his foot up against the bench to tie his first shoe. 

Leanne had just finished pulling her scrubs pants up, she tied the strings and put her shirt back over the rim. Going to her locker again she grabbed her phone, shoving it in her pants pocket she then grabbed her badge and clipped it on the pocket above her breast. Grabbing a few pens, her stethoscope and her pager she shut her locker door. Neal had just finished himself and went to walk past her, he stopped slightly, definitely noticing that she didn’t tie her hair up in a ponytail. Licking his lips he leaned towards her, “Your hair looks nice down.”

Frowning Leanne turned to him, a slight smirk pulling at her lips as she let out a soft scoff. “Thanks…”

Neal moved away from her, “You bet.” He pulled the locker room door open and stepped out into the hallway, shaking his head. “Idiot…” putting his stethoscope to hang around his neck he walked down the hallway to the elevator that would take him to the cafeteria. It was going to be a long night. 

And indeed it was. Since the start of shift it was non stop. They first got victims from a house fire, and then a shooting. They hadn’t reached Code Black, but it definitely felt like it with the constant flow of patients through the walk in and the trauma floor. It seemed as if they were not able to catch a break. Until finally it started to die down.

Leanne watched as her patient was rolled away to the OR. Letting her head fall back she sighed, stretching lightly before taking off her gloves and yellow gown. Balling them up she tossed them on the floor, her hand going up to push back her hair, which was tied up by now. 

“I got you some coffee.”

Turning she looked at Neal, sighing softly as he passed her the fresh cup. “Uh, thank you. You read my mind.”

Smiling a bit he took a sip of his own as they walked away from the floor and towards the lounge. Opening the door for her he followed her inside. “Been a crazy night.”

Humming she sat down on the couch, “At least we are almost done.”

Neal sat down next to her and nodded, taking another sip of his coffee. He watched slightly out of the corner of his eye as she sipped at the liquid herself. Her tongue darting out to lick her lips afterwards. Looking away he let his head fall back against the cushion, his hand going to the side to rest on the arm as his other hand held his cup. 

Leanne tapped at hers lightly, looking over at him as he stared blankly at the panels on the ceiling. She couldn’t help the small smile on her lips as she thought of how he comforted her earlier that morning. He had let her do what she needed, to cry. To let her emotions go instead of holding them back. And how he was acting towards her, telling her her hair looked nice down, it hadn’t gone unnoticed by any means. But why? Why rubbing her arm when they were talking earlier, why the comment. 

When Neal shifted she looked away, taking another sip of her coffee. She finished most of it and leaned forward, setting the cup down on the small coffee table he had propped his feet up on. Leaning back into the couch she sighed lightly. “Neal…”

“Do you want to come to the art museum tomorrow?” 

Caught off guard by his question she raised her brow, Neal lifted his head and looked over at her. Slightly embarrassed by his sudden outburst. 

“I don’t think that is a good idea.” Her voice was soft, almost ashamed that he even asked her such a question. 

“It’s just a museum, and I know you love art.”

The fact that he knew that made her smile. “You know what I like?”

Neal bit his lip slightly, he had noticed a few things. “You mentioned it a long time ago, said you wanted to study Art History, because of your father.”

Smiling more she nodded, shrugging her shoulders. “Okay.”

He moved a bit, trying his best not to show his excitement. “Okay...you’ll go?”

Nodding she smiled again at him, Neal smiled as well and got up, “Me and my mum will pick you up. One okay?”

She watched as he downed the rest of his coffee. Shrugging she nodded again, “One is fine.” 

“Great…” he tossed the empty cup in the trash and opened the door, “See you then.”

He disappeared out into the hallway. Baffled she leaned back against the couch, shaking her head as she crossed her arms. What exactly was happening here? 

\- -

When she got home that morning she went through her regular routine, it was Wednesday, and Andrew was still asleep when she crawled into bed. He must of had a late night at work. Turning to her side so she wouldn’t wake him she looked at her clock. 7:30 AM. Sighing and willing herself to sleep she closed her eyes, sleep fell much quicker than she realized and before she knew it her alarm went off at noon. 

Getting up seemed to be easier today than it was yesterday. She wasn’t quite sure if it was the fact that she was off, or that she was spending time with Neal, and his mom, at a museum. Showering quickly she dressed in jeans and a blouse, she lightly put on some makeup, nothing too drastic. She never was one to go over the top. Andrew must have heard her get up and shower because after a few moments he appeared in the bathroom. 

“You are up early.”

Leanne looked at him through the mirror, humming softly as she finished putting on some mascara. 

“Where are you off too?”

She closed the cap and put it back in her draw. “The art museum.”

Andrew nodded and grabbed a few of his toiletries. She frowned and turned around, “Where are you off too?”

He went back into the bedroom. Going to the closet to get down his suitcase. Leanne felt her heart beat faster, the fear rising in her chest as she followed him. Her brows furrowed when he reappeared, setting the suitcase on the bed he opened it and went to the dresser. 

“Andrew…”

“I have to go to San Francisco.”

She frowned again, swallowing the lump in her throat. “For what?”

He pulled out socks, and other items that he would need. “A conference Leanne.”

“I thought you were taking it easy at work…”

Shrugging he tossed his socks in the suitcase and went back to the closet. Getting some dress shirts, pants and suit jackets he went towards the bed. “They needed me to come back full time...I said yes.”

She watched him carefully. Leanne trusted him, with her life, and she knew he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their marriage. But...that wasn’t what she was seeing before her now. 

“Andrew...I.” Biting her lip she watched him fold his shirts, not neatly, but she didn’t move to help him. “I’m sorry...for the way I have been acting.”

He stopped, his head falling as he stopped folding. “You are going to do this now?”

Leanne shrugged a bit. “Is there ever a right time?”

Turning around he sat on the bed, looking up at her he waited for her to continue. 

“I...uhm.” She blinked rapidly, pushing back her tears. “I know I have been pushing you away, and I’m sorry. I just, don’t know how to handle it any other way.”

“I’m used to it.”

She frowned, hurt by his words, yet again. 

“After your father died, you pushed back. It took you years to even tell me how you truly felt. But these...we lost our children Leanne. This didn’t just happen to you.”

Looking away from him she nodded. 

“I don’t know how to deal with this either. Shutting down is easier, you’re never home. You are working more and more...when are you going to let yourself just deal with this?”

Shrugging she looked back at him. “Working is all I know how to do.”

Nodding he stood, going back to his shirts. “Me too.” 

Feeling completely defeated she went back to the bathroom. She heard him finish packing and then zip up his suitcase, she waited for his footsteps to disappear but they never did. Instead he stood in the middle of the bedroom, his head hung low as he held his suitcase in one hand. 

“When I get home, I’m going to check into a hotel.”

Her lips parted, ready to protest. Ready to beg him not to go, but instead come home after his conference. 

“I think we need time apart. We are changing, Leanne.”

Turning around she put her hands against the counter, her eyes staring blankly into the bedroom, but she couldn't see him. She listened as he left the bedroom, his footsteps echoing on the floor as he made his way down the stairs. The faint sound of the door opening and then shutting reached her ears. Dropping her head she let out a loud sob, her hand going to her stomach, gripping at her blouse. They were changing, and she wished they didn’t have too. But Andrew was right, he was shutting down, and she was pushing him away.


	8. Chapter 8

Time seemed to go by so slow. Her head spinning as the sobs continued to rip through her body. In reality, it had only been about five minutes since Andrew had declared he was going to stay in a hotel after he returned. Her whole world was falling apart, again, and the only person who could help her put it back together was herself. But she had no idea how, and she surely couldn't do it by herself. To prevent herself from hyperventilating, Leanne breathed in through her nose and out her mouth, her eyes closing as she focused on not panicking. After another few minutes of slowing her breathing she pushed herself away from the counter and moved back into the bedroom. Going to her side of the bed she grabbed her phone, sat down on the side of the bed and dialed his number. 

“Hey! You all ready to go? Mum and I will-”

“I have to take a rain check, Neal.”

Leanne did her best to hide the pain in her voice. But he had known her for years, he knew when she was trying to be brave. He knew when she was on the verge.

“Okay. That is fine.” The drop of excitement in his voice broke her heart. She knew how excited he had been, and now...

Clearing her throat she dropped her head, the tears slipping from the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks. “I will talk to you soon.”

Without waiting for his response she hung up the phone, clicking it shut she tossed it on the bed and flung herself back. She let the tears flow freely as she tried to search for the answer in the ceiling, shutting her eyes tight she shook again, the uncontrollable sobs finally taking over. Not just from Andrew declaring their change, but from losing her kids, losing her life. 

\--

After the phone was hung up he sighed and turned towards his mother. “Plans have been cancelled.”

Asra nodded, a worried expression on her face.

“You should go to her Neal.”

Shaking his head he went to go into the living room. Asra not taking his silence as a solution, followed him, her hands going to her hips as she raised a brow. “Obviously something is wrong. You were telling me the other day how you two are such close friends. Well right now that is what she needs, a friend.”

He bit the inside of his cheek, his mind going back and forth between what decision to make. Wrinkling his nose he looked over at his mom, he was clearly battling with what to do. 

Asra dropped her hands, her face going soft at the worry on her sons face. He cared about this woman, probably more than he should. But it was evident, much more clearly than before. 

“Neal, she is in need of someone. You two have a connection of friendship and maybe even something more.” 

He went to protest the last statement, but the shake to her head stopped him. “It's written all over your face. I see the way you look at her. And right now she doesn't need that, but she does need you.” 

Neal bit at his lip, nodding slightly he leaned forward and kissed her cheek. Nodding a bit he moved back and went from the living room to the door. Grabbing his keys he left the apartment and got into his car to go to Leanne’s. Neal felt as though he had tunnel vision. He was focused on getting to her, to make sure that she was okay. It didn't matter about about his feelings, he wasn't there to indulge in his fantasies. All he wanted to do was be a comfort to her and reassure her that in time it was going to be alright. 

Pulling into the drive he put the car in park and got out. Sighing a bit he went to the front door and knocked. He waited a moment and knocked again, frowning a bit he sighed and reached for the door. His worry grew when the door popped opened. It wasn't like Leanne to leave the door unlocked. Stepping inside he noted that it was rather dark, and quiet. Worry turned into fear as he searched the lower part of the house, occasionally calling out to her. When he didn't find her he went up the stairs, going to her bedroom he felt his heart jump in his throat when he saw her lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. 

“Leanne?”

The force in his voice caused her to jump. Placing her palms on the floor she pushed herself up, “Neal?”

He sighed, thanking whatever go higher force there was that she was alright. Sitting down on the floor next to her he noticed the tears that had stained her face. “Leanne...what happened?”

Licking her lips she sat up more, her back leaning against the foot of the bed. Her hands went up to wipe away the tears, but it was useless. At his question she shook her head. “Andrew...I don't think he is coming home.” 

He leaned against the foot of the bed as well. A soft sigh escaping his lips. 

“He said he had to go to a conference in San Francisco...and that when he got back he was going to check into a hotel...he isn't coming back.”

Her voice cracked, more tears streaming down her face. Shaking her head she leaned back, a groan of pain escaping. “I'm losing everything...I lost the kids, and now Andrew.”

Neal turned towards her, his hand reaching down to take hers. “You don't deserve that. If Andrew can't find it in himself to work this out, to work through what you two have been through then it's him who is losing everything.” 

Leanne licked her chapped lips. 

“I am sorry you lost the kids, and you may only have memories left but hold onto that. Hold on to the good times.”

She dropped her head. She knew he was right, but it was hard. No one ever could describe the pain a mother felt after losing her children. There were no words. Biting her lip she looked over at him, “I can't do this without him. I need him. I need him to be here and to tell me that he loves me, to tell me that it is going to be okay even if it is not.”

The tears streamed down her face again. Letting go of her hand Neal reached up, his hands going on either side of her face. His thumbs gently ran over her cheeks, trying his best to take away the pain she was feeling. Being caught completely off guard Leanne looked at him, her mouth parted slightly at his soft touch. 

Unable to control herself she closed her eyes, leaning into his hands. Pain did strange things to people, whether you were feeling it or witnessing it. He went to move forward, he wanted to make her hurt disappear. Softly he pressed his lips against her own. Leanne gasped slightly, the feeling of his lips making her forget for a brief moment where she was. After realizing she pulled back, his hands slipping from her face. 

“Neal…” Shaking her head she let her eyes fall. He knew this looked bad, he knew that it may not be clear thinking, or even the right time. But he couldn't help what his heart felt, and wanted.

He turned away from her slightly, biting his lip as he took in a brave breath and let it slowly out.

“I am here. I will be here, to help you through this. I may not have lost what you have, but I can't bear to see you in pain. I want to be able to make it all disappear. I am here, I am telling you that…..that I love you, Leanne.”

His confession caused her to move back again. A frown forming as she shook her head. “No….no. You don't love me, you can't love me.”

Neal sighed, “It may be wrong, yes. But I do.” He moved a bit closer, but refrained from taking her hand, instead his hand running through his hair. “When I first started working for you I didn't know what it was...infatuation, respect...but then gradually after working with you for ten years what I was feeling grew into something more.”

Leanne listened to his words, this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This was ten years coming. This was countless hours working side by side, passing out on the couch in the lounge. This was meeting her kids, helping her through a troublesome second pregnancy. Neal being there through everything was his way of showing her that she was loved by another man and not just her husband. 

“I…” He shook his head, his head hanging low as he confessed his heart to her. Leanne’s frown fell. Andrew had been there for her, but in a different way. He was her husband, and yes in the beginning they had loved without boundaries. But then life happened, their careers changed them, kids came and went and with that so did the spark they once had. Andrew had been right, they were changing, but they had changed long before either of them realized. And now it was too late. 

Moving her eyes away from him she withdrew into herself. Her thoughts bouncing back and forth, she didn’t understand. He had years, he could have said something sooner. But would it have changed anything? She doesn’t know. All she knew was that right now, in this moment it wasn’t the right time. Getting up she pushed her hair back. Neal got up as well, his brown eyes searching hers. “Leanne...listen.”

Putting her hand up she shook her head. “Why now Neal?” 

“What?” He frowned slightly.

“Why are you doing this now? You’ve had years, years Neal to tell me what was going on inside and you are doing this now?!”

He flinched at the raise in her voice. Shrugging slightly, he took a step back. He knew he had made a mistake, but he couldn’t hold onto it any longer. 

“I’m...I can’t do this now.” She laughed only a bit, fresh tears streaming down her face. “I think you should go, Neal.”

He was hurt, clearly. Going to move towards her she stepped back again, her hands going up to tell him that she was done. 

“Leanne…”

Wiping away her tears forcefully she contorted her face into frustration. “You need to go.” 

Nodding he raised his brow slightly, he searched her face again. He knew she was upset, and that this was not the ideal time to confess his love. But, he needed to let her know. Shaking his head a bit as well he turned on his heel and went down the stairs. When she heard the door shut, once again she closed her eyes. When had her life spiraled so far out of control that she couldn’t reach stability? Feeling completely exhausted she threw back the covers of the bed and climbed in. Her body completely shut down, and before she knew it she had fallen asleep. 

Her next day off was a blur. She was trying to make sense of everything that happened. Of Andrew leaving, of Neal confessing his undevoted love to her. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t. She knew that she needed to work things out with Andrew, he is her husband. They both went through something most people never saw in their lifetime, and she wasn’t willing to give up on that so easily. Much to her inner protest she called him, he answered and she just told him how much she loved him. Andrew had said it back, but there was something else hidden behind his words. He was becoming much more distant, much more involved in whatever they were trying to save and she knew it was partly her fault. But she wasn’t going to give up on them, she needed him. 

He had told her that he was going to be home tonight to pack up a few more things and go to a hotel. All she could do was agree, perhaps when he got home she could try to talk to him. To show him that she loved him, and to remind him that he also loved her as well. When she hung up the phone she wanted to retreat back into bed, to give up for it seemed to be no use. But she couldn’t, so instead she showered. Cleaned up the house, or what needed to be cleaned up and decided that it was time to make dinner. Leanne had forgotten, over the course of eight months how much she had missed cooking. It was a guilty pleasure, a time where she was able to focus on something and not have it be completely perfect. She made Andrew’s favorite, roasted red potatoes and chicken breast with a side of greens. It was a simple dinner, one she had made a million times before. But somehow, making it tonight it seemed so much more important. 

At around eight she heard him pull into the drive. She had the table all set, with a bottle of wine. Leanne hoped that he saw she was trying, and she hoped that he was willing too. She stayed in the kitchen, her back leaning into a corner of the counter as she sipped slightly at the glass of wine she had already poured. When the door opened she felt a nervousness rise in her chest, setting down the glass of wine she had, her palms going to the granite countertop. Earlier on in their marriage, when he would come home from a conference or a business trip they had looked forward to nights like this. The kids weren’t born yet, but she was eager to see her husband, eager to spend a nice evening with him at home. For some reason, tonight she was anything but; there was a threat lingering. The threat of him leaving, of a fight, of her not trying as hard as she was willing herself to to.

Leanne listened patiently as the door closed. Andrew set his things at the front door, knowing he wasn’t going to be there for long. That was until he smelled the faint deliciousness of roasted potatoes, and chicken. Curious as to what was going on he moved from the entryway, down the open hallway and towards the kitchen. What he saw he definitely wasn’t expecting, there on their dining table was dinner set out. And a bottle of wine. Leanne hadn’t cooked since the accident, probably because taking small pleasures like that was moving on. Biting the inside of his cheek he went further into the kitchen to find his wife leaning against the counter. He held out his hands, “What’s going on?”

She noted the accusing tone in his voice, but instead pushed it aside and turned to him. “I thought when he came home you would like a warm meal…”

Andrew gave her a wary look, shrugging lightly. “I wish you would have asked. I already ate.”

Letting her head fall slightly she nodded. “Well...maybe we could go to the coffee house and get some dessert.”

Leanne wasn’t giving in this easily. They needed to try at least. But the distance between them, the coldness that was growing was telling her otherwise. 

“I’m not in the mood for dessert.”

Letting out a almost defeated sigh she picked up her head and looked in his direction. “We need to try to fix whatever we have left, Andrew.”

Shaking his head he closed his eyes briefly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with this. “We tried for six months Leanne.”

Not moving from the counter she gave him a pained expression. “Pushing each other away is not trying…”

He put his hands up, shrugging. “What else do you want me to do?”

Taking her hands off of the counter she stepped towards him. One of her hands going to her chest, “Tell me you love me. And that we can work through this, go to a counselor with me...go to group.”

“I don’t want to go to a counselor, or too group.” 

The lack of the word love concerned her. Andrew had never been one to take the word lightly, he had said it first when they were dating. And he had continued to say it until recently. It was her fault, she knew. Their love had begun to change, and she didn’t recognize that. 

“You don’t love me enough to try?”

Andrew’s eyes darted away from her, he felt his eyes fill with moisture and he couldn’t bare to let her see him like that. Controlling it he took in a deep breath and sighed. “Our love isn’t the same anymore Leanne, you know that.”

Stepping forward she bit at her bottom lip. “We can make it come back...it is just going to take time.”

Looking back to her he shook his head, “I’m out of time...we need to move on.”

Her lips parted, “It hasn’t even been a year yet, and you're, you're just going to give up?”

“We gave up a long time ago. We can’t get that back, we are taking different paths with this Leanne, and I can’t follow yours-” he took a step back, “I need to go pack.”


	9. Chapter 9

Leanne had gotten a call the next afternoon, Dr. Taylor wanted to know if she could pick up a shift that night. She agreed, it wasn't like she had anything waiting for her at home. Knowing that Neal had requested an extra day off due to his mother’s visit was a relief. She didn’t particularly want to see him today.

Once at work she felt a bit at ease, Jesse wasn't around to question her, Neal wouldn't be lurking around, and there was no residents to tend too. Leanne could do her work and then go home. Or so she thought. After dealing with a few patients in check in she rounded the corner to head to her office. And there he was, clad in his scrubs and leaning against the wall and filling out a chart. Tensing she bit at her lip, she wondered if he knew she was at work. Regardless she had a job to do. Stepping forward she continued down the hall, she was going to make a beeline to her office when Isabelle saw her. 

“Dr. Rorish...you have a patient.” 

Sighing she avoided his look and grabbed the chart, opening it she glanced at the notes. “Why wasn't he discharged..”

Isabelle sat back down, “Says he wants a bed in detox.”

Nodding she moved from the station and towards the patient. Neal watched her the whole time, she was avoiding him. Understandably, he had sprung feelings on her when she was vulnerable. Finishing his own notes he closed the chart and set it down on the counter. Instead of going to see if she needed help he went to go to the longue. After some few moments Amy popped her head in, “Dr. Hudson we have a trauma coming in.”

Nodding he tossed his coffee and exited the lounge. Grabbing some gloves he headed towards the trauma bay. Leanne was already there waiting, he stood back, his jaw tensing as he looked at her back. When the sound of the ambulance pulled up he diverted his eyes and went with her to get to the patient. 

The back doors flung open, the one of the paramedics stepped down and Leanne and Neal went to help with the gurney. “35 year old male, was cleaning out the gutters and fell off the ladder. Broken right leg and lacerations to the head. He is in and out of consciousness, slurring his words.” 

They moved him to one of the trauma bays, “Alright, on my count. One, two, three,”

With the help of two nurses they lifted him from the paramedics gurney onto one of their own. “My name is Dr. Rorish...what's your name?”

She checked his pupils, and then put her hands to his neck making sure he didn't break anything there. 

“Uh...Blake. I'm Blake.”

“Hi Blake...do you know where you are?”

Neal went down to check his leg. It was clearly broken, he put his hands on the leg, feeling to make sure that it was an easy fix. 

“The hospital.”

“Good.” she looked at his vitals, and then glanced down at Neal. “Amy, let’s get a chest x-ray. And then call over to CT, tell them we need some scans.” 

Amy got the x-ray machine and positioned it correctly while Neal stepped aside and called up to CT. Leanne as well as the nurses stepped back while they got an x-ray. Once it was done she went back to her patient, a few seconds later Amy came back with the films. Leanne put her glasses on and looked over at them. “Alright Blake, you have two broken ribs, plus your broken leg. I'm going to get you to CT, you probably have a concussion, which is why you were slurring your words.”

The patient nodded, a slight panic on his face. Leanne saw it and softly put her hand on his shoulder. “You are lucky, a fall like that could have been more damaging. But you are going to be perfectly fine.” Giving her patient a reassuring smile she looked over at Amy, nodding a bit she told her silently that they were ready to go to CT. 

They wheeled him out of the bay, past center stage and to the elevators. When they got upstairs Leanne made sure that Amy stayed with him until he was taken to the OR for his leg. She then took the stairs back down to the trauma floor. Stopping in first with Isabelle she made sure no patients needed tending too. Checking her watch she decided she would have time to go retreat to a side desk to finish some charts. Grabbing a hefty stack she sat down, putting on her glasses she started to make sure her Resident’s notes were clear and correct. Making a few notes here and there at times, they were starting to get the hang of things...even though it had only been a few months. Quick learners, which was good because she was about to take a small step back. They needed her, yes, but at the same time they also needed to learn how to trust their own instincts and not rely on her subtle cues. 

Leaning forward on the stool she put her elbow to the counter, her chin going to her palm as she read over some of Mario’s notes. A hand extended out and set a cup of coffee on the desk. She stopped writing and looked up, her brow raising as she looked at him over the rim of her glasses. 

“Coffee...it’s fresh.”

Neal wasn't taken back by her icy demeanor. He expected it. What he had done was wrong and he knew it, regardless he was going to do his best to show her that he truly was sorry. 

Leanne pursed her lips slightly and then turned back to her work. “Thanks..”

Licking his lips slightly he nodded and turned on his heel. She heard him leave and sighed, finishing up her charts she set them back at the nurses station, leaving the coffee where it was placed she went towards her office. It was nearing the end of shift and things had slowed down drastically. Leanne was about to go to the locker room when her pager went off. Sighing and throwing her head back she unclipped it from her waistband. Visitor. She cleared the screen and clipped it back on her waistband, turning herself around she headed to the walk in area and turned to Ella. The young nurse pointed behind Leanne, turning she stepped back a bit when she came face to face with Andrew. She hadn't expected to see him, and she couldn't help the joy she felt. Perhaps he was rethinking things, slightly smiling she looked up at him, “Hey.”

Andrew raised his brows slightly, “Can I talk with you?” 

Nodding she motioned for him to follow her. They made their way to her office, and once inside she shut the door for privacy. Andrew looked around the room, he had only been in her office a few times since she became Residency Director. Letting out a small breath he turned to her, she was leaning against her desk, her hands against the edge. “What did you want to talk about?”

Her words were careful, she wasn't going to press anything, she was going to wait as patiently as possible. 

But he was stalling, he shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. Her eyes darted from him to his body language, this didn't feel right. 

“Uhm...I went home and saw you were gone. Figured you were here.”

Nodding softly she leaned forward a bit, “They were short. Called me in.”

He nodded once, taking his hands from his pockets he ran them together. “I packed a few of my things...Leanne..”

Her lips parted slightly, her eyes leaving his face as she looked down at the ground. All hope left her body. 

“Leanne I'm filing for a divorce.”

Divorce. What an ugly word. It was hateful, broken, thrown at someone when things were hard. And yes, things in their life had become hard...but they could do this. At least she thought so, until now. 

Lifting her now glossy eyes up at him she nodded. “So that's it…”

Andrew tilted his head, he knew this wasn't what she wanted. And he didn't either, but the path they were going down wasn't a good one. “I'm not going to live the rest of our lives angry. We don't have a choice.” 

The silence that filled the room as hard, resentful and full of pain. She bit her cheek, a tear falling but she quickly wiped it away. 

“I don't want anything, I will give you the house...anything you want. I want this to be easy for you.” 

She scoffed, a few more tears rolling down her cheeks. “Easy….” Shaking her head she looked over at him.

“Leanne...I, I'm sorry” Andrew shrugged lightly, he stepped forward to her but in the last minute changed his mind. He went to the door and opened it, going out into the hallway he headed back the way he came. Neal had seen Andrew at the walk in, and then shortly after he and Leanne disappeared. He however stayed away, he wasn't going to cause anymore pain to her. That was until he saw her exit her office, a force of speed upon her as she made her way down the hallway and past the lounge. 

She disappeared around the corner, heading into the locker room. Quickly she changed, flinging her scrubs into her locker and slamming it shut. As a release of anger she kicked the locker, the sound echoing through the room. Leaning forward she placed her forehead against the cold metal, closing her eyes tightly she stood there in silence. 

 

\--

The last month had come and gone, there was still tension between herself and Neal, but at work they kept their actions professional. He had given her, her space, only speaking to her when he needed a consult or when they were working on a patient in center stage. Their change of attitude hadn’t gone unnoticed, but no one brought up the situation, even Jesse. 

Leanne had told Jesse about Andrew wanting a divorce. She was expecting papers any time now, but hadn’t heard a thing from her lawyer. She had voiced that perhaps Andrew was having second thoughts, but Jesse, doing his best to bring some sense back into her world told her that it probably was just taking a while for the paperwork to be processed. Some days were better than others, and it showed. Though Leanne did her best to keep it under control at work. She was starting to get a bit more familiar with the idea of being home alone, Andrew had cleared his things out like promised and kept his distance. But all that was going to change, for she had just gotten a call from her lawyer about the trial. 

The trial had already started, but now they needed Leanne and Andrew to come in and make their statements. She of course was nervous out of her mind, she had gone in the courtroom before, but for work related cases. Never had she needed to go for personal reasons, especially the conviction of a man who killed her kids, and almost her husband and herself. Yet, she prepared herself. Jesse had offered to go to court with her, for moral support, but she waved him off telling him that she would be alright. 

For the first few days she was. Andrew kept his distance still, only going up to her when he needed too. No mention of the divorce was ever spoken, and they just remained with the silent conclusion that they were separated. After the fourth day the trial was starting to get to her, it was the same thing day after day. Listened to what happened, watching the simulations that showed his car at high speeds, weaving in and out of the lanes until it collided with her car head on. She couldn’t bring herself to look at it, and every time it showed she looked away. She could still hear the screams of the tires, the way the metal crunched together, how Andrew’s head hit the window. How Tom listened to every single command She gave him while he desperately tried to save her kids and husband. 

She wanted to get up and go over to the man that was driving and tell him what he had caused her. To tell him how much pain he inflicted on a single family and how he should rot in his prison cell. His family of course was there, acting like he was the most innocent man in the world. They would hug him at every break, tell him how much they loved him. He took two lives, how can anyone love someone who took two innocent lives? 

She tried not to dwell on the details, she got up when asked and made her statement for the fourth time in a week. She would explain what happened, and then explain the injuries that were caused. After another long six hours in the courtroom she had to go home and get ready for work. 

At the hospital she was able to focus solely on her job. Which was a relief, she was tired of reliving the night over and over again. Leanne had just finished helping with a difficult chest tube when she turned around to clean up, noticing a familiar face she smiled. Taking her gloves off and tossing them she walked over to Neal’s mother, who was looking for her son. 

“Asra…”

She turned, a wide smile gracing her face as she went forward and hugged Leanne. Slightly taken back Leanne hugged her, and then stepped away. 

“Leanne, how are you?”

Shrugging lightly she shoved her hands in her pockets. “I’m alright...you?”

“I’m good. Just got back into Los Angeles for a conference with Neal’s father.”

Raising her brows a bit she nodded, “Ah..”

“Speaking of, have you seen my son?”

Leanne frowned, “Actually...no. But I am sure one of the nurses can page him for you.”

Asra nodded and turned to the nurses station to ask if her son could be paged. But instead she turned to Leanne again, who was preparing her get away. “Would you join me for some coffee?”

Leanne gave her a hesitant look, but after a moment she nodded. “Sure…”

Asra smiled wider and followed Leanne to the lounge. Setting her purse down she watched as Leanne quietly poured them both a cup of coffee. Preparing her’s to taste she then brought over some creamer and sugars for Asra. They took to sitting at one of the tables in the room, silently Leanne stirred her coffee. Asra noticed a distance with her, before when she was at Neal’s apartment Leanne had been warm, and now something had changed. 

“Are you sure you are alright?”

Stopping her stirring Leanne looked up, trying to give the other women a reassuring smile. But failing. It was as if Asra could see right through the facade Leanne had created. Clearing her throat she sat back in the chair, a heavy sigh escaping her lips as she looked away and then back in her direction. 

“Things...have just been difficult.”

Asra leaned towards her, her hand going out to rest against her forearm. Leanne didn’t know what overcame her, but all of a sudden her head dropped slightly at she burst into tears. Her free hand went up to cover her face slightly, shaking her head she dropped her hand. 

“My life is spiraling out of control. - My husband wants a divorce….I feel so lost.” 

Asra’s frown grew deeper, her hand starting to softly rub against Leanne’s arm. 

“Have you talked to someone?”

Leanne laughed a bit, picking up her free hand again and wiping away the tears. “Group doesn’t help much.” she sighed, her body and mind completely exhausted. “I pushed Neal away….he was, he always seemed to be the one who understood.”

“He told me what happened, Leanne.” Asra pulled back only slightly. “He cares for you, in a way he had never cared for anyone before.” 

Leanne nodded, slumping her shoulders. “He wasn’t right in acting upon it...not now.”

“That may be true, but that doesn’t mean he did it on purpose. Neal has always.. always had a big heart. He just wanted to be there for you.”

Biting her lip she shook her head, “I don’t know what I feel. I love my husband, and god knows if I could get him back and work things out I would. But he doesn’t want the same, and maybe he is right, I’ve changed too much for us to get back what we used to be like….”

“There is nothing wrong to want that. But you know he isn’t coming back, as much as that pains you, you are going to have to move on.”

“You’re right, everyone has been right. I’m just afraid that if I let go of him, if I start to move on then I’m betraying my children. I’m betraying a life that means so much to me.”

Asra nodded, tilting her head a bit. “But that life is already gone Leanne. You can’t bring it back, and even if you could would you really want to stay in a marriage that didn’t have anything left?” 

Pressing her lips together she looked away for a moment. 

“What happened to you was terrible, but nothing in this world is going to change that. And making yourself believe so is setting yourself up for a life of unending pain. You deserve so much more than that.”

A few more tears streamed down her face, Leanne was quick to wipe them away. Asra patted her arm lightly, a small smile pulling at her lips. Leanne couldn’t help but smile as well, leaning towards her a bit as she thanked her softly. “Thank you, Asra.”

Shrugging she pulled her hand back, “For what?”

Leanne let out a small laugh as she inhaled, letting out a small groan of relief. Standing she grabbed her coffee, “I should get back to work...I’m surprised my residents haven’t sought me out.”

Asra nodded and got up as well. “I should probably go find Neal..”

Nodding Leanne stepped forward, this time she initiated the hug. “Thank you.”

When they pulled back from the hug Asra put her hand to Leanne’s shoulder. “You are welcome...just remember, you are here for a reason...you have a second chance so don’t let that go.”

Leanne smiled a bit, “I won’t.” Stepping away she left the lounge. 

Asra smirked a bit and sighed, “Well...my job here is done.”


	10. Chapter 10

Leanne had thought about what her and Asra had discussed. She was right, there was no way she could fix the past, minds had already been made made up, things had already changed. After her shift was over she went home, she had found herself standing in the hallway facing her children's doors. It had almost been a year, and she still hadn't set foot in their rooms. Taking a deep breath she stepped forward, her hand going to the door knob and twisting it. Yet she couldn't get herself to push it open, letting go she stepped back. She wiped her hand on her pants as if the door knob had been infected. Licking her lips she sighed, she knew this wasn't something she could do alone.

Going to her bedroom she went to her bedside table, reaching for her phone she went to dial Neal's number. Before pressing send she bit her lip and then cleared the screen. Leanne repeated this process for at least three more times before getting angry at herself. 

“You are being ridiculous..” Grabbing her phone again she dialed his number and put it up to her ear. Nervously her right leg bounced up and down until he answered. 

“Leanne...is everything okay?”

She got up from the bed, going over to the window that overlooked the empty street. “I need your help with something…” 

Neal nodded even though she couldn't see it. “Of course. Are you home?”

Humming in response she leaned against the window. “I will be right over.” 

The phone disconnected, removing it from her ear she locked it and sighed. Moving from the window she headed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. She sat down in the living room, her feet going under her as she waited in silence. 

Her ears perked softly at the sound of his car pulling into the drive. Getting up she went to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open. He was at the walk by now, a faint smile pull I no at his lips as he saw her. “Hi.” 

Leanne smiled only a bit as she stepped aside to let him in the house. Once inside she shut the door and locked it again. Turning she leaned against it and bit her lip. “I want to apologize for...shutting you away.” 

Neal shook his head, “I understand, you don't need to apologize to me.” 

She nodded a bit, “Well…” Her nerves rose as she casted her eyes down to the floor. Picking it back up she looked at him, his expression had been contorted to one of concern and devotion. 

“I want, I need to clear the kids rooms out….I can't do it alone.” 

Neal nodded to her, “You don't have to do it all at once either..”

“I know...but, perhaps just a start.” 

He smiled softly and nodded, extending out his hand to her he waited patiently. Leanne took his hand and he lead her up the stairs. They stopped at her daughter's door, Neal kept hold of her hand as his free one reached up to open the door. Leanne gasped as the untouched room was presented to her. The pink and purple hues hitting her eyes. With his lead they both stepped inside. Her hand let go of his as she reached out and ran her fingers across Jenny's dresser. 

Stuffed animals were lined up, a soft coat of dust had formed over them and the other trinkets her daughter had. Leanne went to the bed and sat down, her hand reaching out and grabbing the pillow. Bringing it up to her face she closed her eyes and took in the scent that had remained. Tears slipped slowly from her eyes at the complete emptiness she felt. 

Pulling the pillow away she let out a breath, which caused her bangs to fly slightly off her forehead. Setting the pillow down exactly how she found it she stood, “The clothes I was going to take to the children's hospital...I'm sure they need it.”

Neal nodded, “I'll get some bags.” Stepping out of the room he bit at his lips. His own emotions coming forth at what he was witnessing and going through. He went downstairs and grabbed a few trash bags from under the sink. Going back upstairs and into the bedroom he found that Leanne had opened the curtains and blinds. 

The fresh air that coated the room made it feel completely different. Like a new page that was turning in Leanne’s book. She had already started to clear out some of Jenny's clothes. Setting them in a neat pile on the bed, Neal moved forward and started putting the clothes in the bags. They did this in a comfortable silence. When the clothes were all in a bag he tied them and set them off to the side. Neal sighed softly, he stepped forward, going to the small dresser that was near the closet. On the top of the dresser there was a picture of Jenny, she couldn’t have been more than five, a time Neal remembered clearly. 

Leanne was holding her, a smile on her face that he hadn’t seen in a long time. She was happy, she was loved, and it showed. Picking up the picture he smiled, his fingers lightly running over the dusty glass. His smile quickly faded as he realized that she wasn’t coming home, and that Leanne may never smile like that again. Biting his lip, for the first time Neal had felt what Leanne had. The sudden and extreme pain of never seeing another person again. He couldn’t imagine losing someone he loved, much less one of his children. His shoulders fell forward slightly, his eyes becoming glossy as his heart suddenly broke. 

“I should have let you stay…”

Turning around she frowned, she was facing his back, his hunched shoulders causing his shirt to flex. “What are you talking about?” 

Neal set the picture down and wiped his eyes. He couldn’t face her, not after he denied her the last moment with her daughter. “When I took you up to CT...you asked to stay, to be with the kids.”

Leanne tensed her jaw, her eyes closing as she was taken back to that night. She pleaded with him the whole way up, asking him to just give her a second. But he didn’t listen, she remembered being so angry with him, but never had she ever blamed him. It was clear, however that he blamed himself. 

Shaking her head she opened her eyes, swallowing hard as she moved from across the room towards him, she reached her hand out, lightly touching his arm as she walked past. Leanne sat on the edge of Jenny’s bed, Neal hesitated, but after a moment he finally found some nerve and turned around. Looking over at her with glossy eyes he shook his head. 

“I could have given you those extra minutes, I --”

“Come sit, please.”

Neal sniffled lightly and nodded, he closed the space between them and sat down next to her. Leanne took his hand in hers, “You….” she ran her tongue over her teeth, “You were my doctor, and your priority was to me.”

He tilted his head, letting it fall as he felt more tears stinging his eyes. Leanne frowned, she had never seen Neal in pain like this. Sure, he had his heart crushed a few times from past girlfriends, but never had she seen him cry. “I took your goodbye…” his voice cracked, which made her grip his hand tighter. “You could have said goodbye to her, you needed that...you wanted that.”

He let the tears slip from his eyes, turning away from her he shook slightly. Leanne let go of his hand and leaned towards him, her hand going to his shoulder to make him turn towards her. Neal leaned to her, he took something from her that she was never going to get back...he did that. He had caused pain to her, and now it was finally catching up to him. 

Leanne put one of her hands to the side of his face, bringing him to lean on her shoulder as he sobbed slightly. “Listen to me...you did nothing wrong.” She felt her own tears sting her eyes, her head moving to kiss his forehead lightly. “I said my goodbyes...I have grieved, and will continue to do so. But you, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

He let go of a sob which shook the both of them, Leanne bit at her lip, her brows almost threading together. “Neal…”

“I’m so sorry Leanne….I’m so sorry.”

Moving a bit she lifted his head, holding his face between her hands she wiped a few tears away. Leaning forward she placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “Shhh…”

Neal put his hand on her elbow, closing his eyes at the feeling at her lips against his skin. She leaned her forehead against his, continuing to shush him. Gripping at her shirt he moved slightly, her lips slightly coming into contact with the corner of his mouth. Leanne felt a lump in her throat form, but her mind didn’t listen to her, and she moved her lips to cover his mouth fully. 

It was soft, sincere. But there was something more hidden behind it, and they both knew that. Neal pressed his against hers, a firmness that made her pull back. When she did she shook her head, but went back to him with her own firm kiss. She took in a breath as Neal’s hands moved to her back, pulling her closer with an intensity she didn’t know he existed. Their lips parted, both of them welcoming each others tongues. Leanne sat up a bit, pushing her body towards his own as his hands slipped under her shirt. The feeling of her skin caused Neal to groan as he nipped on her bottom lip. 

As if a truck had struck her Leanne pulled back, she sat up straight and pulled down her shirt, her hand covering her slightly swollen lips. 

“What are we doing…”

She looked away from him, pressing her lips together as she backed away. Shaking her head she ran her hand through her hair, “I….I’m sorry.” 

Neal stood up as well, they had been through this before. But this time it had been mutual, and he could feel that. Biting his lip he looked down, he stepped towards her but she pulled back again, shaking her head at him. He nodded and walked past her, his footsteps descending down the stairs and then out the front door. Leanne shook her head again, “Oh….god.”

Turning she flipped the light off in the room and shut the door. Going into her bedroom she sat down on the bed, her head going into her hands.

“What am I doing?”


End file.
